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Topic: Bars & Pubs
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-24-2003 03:08 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Love this Joke
Martooni
A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.''
The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini.
She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another martooni.''
So he goes back and fixes her another martini.
She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything.
Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,'' Would you like another?''
She says,'' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.''
The bartender says, ''Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.'' ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-26-2003 05:14 AM
Rated G
Unlucky day
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey,why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’texplain.”
“So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer,“Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.Just as I got the bucket about full,she took her left leg and kicked it over.”
“That’s not so bad,what’s the big deal?”
The farmer says,“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened?” the man asked again.
The farmer relenting,continued,“I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.Then I sat down and continued to milk her.Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.”
“Again?”
The farmer says,“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So,what did you do then?” the man asked,intrigued.
“I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.I sat back down and continued to milk her,and just as I got the bucket just about full,the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.”
The farmer says,“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what else did you do?” the man asked again.
“Well I didn’t have any more rope,so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in…” ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-09-2003 07:54 AM
Rated G Michele
Three men were sitting around the bar talking about how their
wives were never satisfied by their actions in the home.They all decided that they would go home and try doing exactly as their wives directed that evening.
The next evening they met again, and one of the men said, "Well, Iscrewed up first thing.As I came in the door,I let the wind
catch it and is slammed shut. My wife said,'Why don't you tear
the damned thing off the hinges?' I did just that, and spent the
night on the couch."
The next man said, "Well I did pretty good for a while.I
complimented her on a great meal and even volunteered to do the
dishes.I dropped one and it broke.The wife said, 'Why don't you
just break them all?' I broke them all,and spent the night in the garage."
The third man said, "I did really well.I came in and kissed her
cheek.I complimented her on dinner.I did the dishes.I let her
have the remote control all evening.When we went to bed,I
reached over and patted her on the ass.She said,'Cut that out!'"
Holding out his cupped hand, he asked, "Did you ever look at one
of these things up close?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-09-2003 09:27 AM
Rated R Michele
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in
Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own
bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God, girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and
said, "Superstitious, huh?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-10-2003 06:38 AM
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the Stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-10-2003 03:23 PM
Rated PG
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
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