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Author Topic: Bars & Pubs Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2005 08:04 PM                        Rated G Beer Translations 1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I''ll be leaving before the next round. 2. "I''ll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they''ll be $3.50. 3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position. 4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) I''m easy. 5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) I''m gay. 6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you. 7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I''ll do to you on the ride home? 8. "I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me. 9. I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (male) I''m horny. 10. "Who''s got the next round?" I haven''t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-25-2005 08:39 PM                        Rated G A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor. "Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly." "I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer gave me some Jewish fly." "Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?" "I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?" The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg. "You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight." "Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man. "Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 12:26 PM                        Rated G Bruce Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?" John: "I haven't found the right woman yet." George: "So what are you looking for?" John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and a nice big house wouldn't hurt either." George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!" John: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 12:06 PM                        Rated G B.B. Lars the bartender asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't, "said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip", explained Lars.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 12:43 PM                        Rated G There were two plumbers sitting at a bar one day. They ordered their drinks and sat atthe bar for a while. Suddenly, they both stood up, slapped hands, and yelled, "Fifty-five!" The bartender was pretty confused but just decided to ignore them. About five or ten minutes later, they both stood up again, slapped hands, and yelled,"Fifty-five!" Again the bartender just decided to ignore them. Ten minutes later they followed the same routine. By now the bartender was getting pretty annoyed, so he went over and asked, "Why do you guys keep standing up and yelling fifty-five?" One of the plumbers said, "Well, we stopped at Toys R Us on the way here and got a puzzle. On the side of the box it said 2 to 4 years, but we got it done in fifty-five minutes!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-19-2006 09:05 AM                        Rated G Bruce Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?" "I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted." "Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me." "Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 03:29 PM                        Rated G A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort." "That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?" "Right!" said the drunk, still crying. "You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?" "Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 09:03 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba George is sitting at the bar looking totally down in the dumps. The bartender asks, "What's wrong George?" George replies, "My wife is too tired for housework and sex but she won't let me hire a maid or a hooker".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 01:19 PM                        Rated G Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 09:19 AM                        Rated PG The Old Man and the Sea A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked. "Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 02:36 PM                        Rated XXXXXXX DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples." She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass." He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then." She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you." "This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your twat." She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits. He yells, "I'll kill him!" She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction. She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!" Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 02-27-2006 04:41 PM                        Rated PG... An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" Asked the barman? "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?" "Dunno'...Never found the head!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 08:35 PM                        Rated R "The Stud" An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing his wife." "So stop!" the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk didn't sign his name!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 08:37 PM                        Rated G "Effects of Beer Consumption By Men" Yesterday, scientists for the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-08-2006 12:53 PM                        Rated R... A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..."Holy shit --- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"  |  IP: Logged

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