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Author Topic: Bars & Pubs Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 05:20 PM                        Rated G A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog." "Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my guide dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 10:27 AM                        Rated G B.B. Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: People who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 07:36 PM                        Rated G Alcoholic wisdom I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. William Butler Yeats An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. Ernest Hemingway Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Dean Martin Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. Anonymous No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. G.K. Chesterton Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. Catherine Zandonella Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -Ambrose Bierce Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. -Anonymous A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. W.C. Fields What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? W.C. Fields Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. Anonymous Work is the curse of the drinking classes. Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -Anonymous I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. Tom Waits 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Stephen Wright When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... Brian O'Rourke You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. Frank Zappa Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer. Plato Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. Humphrey Bogart Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. David Moulton Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. Kaiser Wilhelm Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave Barry I drink to make other people interesting. George Jean Nathan Alcohol may cause a few of the worlds' problems, but in the end it solves them all. Homer Simpson  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-05-2006 01:42 PM                        Rated G Mike meets Ed at the bar for a drink after work. Mike really looks down in the dumps. Ed asks, "Why the long face? Bad day at work?" "Yeah," replies Mike. "You know sometimes I wish I worked for the Pope instead of my boss." "Why is that," asks Ed. Mike sighs and says, "Cause then I would only have to kiss his ring."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2006 12:57 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight." The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!" The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, two rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!" With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna pay me too"?  |  IP: Logged Bernard Tonks Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 619 From: Cranleigh, Surrey, England Registered: Apr 2001 posted 07-29-2006 11:22 AM                     Subject: Alcohol problem Rated PG A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself: Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Lady: "No, they open.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-27-2006 02:01 PM                        Rated PG Denny in Yonkers Beer Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer,men turn into women. To test the theory,100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally 8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary. Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! If you think they can handle it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2007 05:08 PM                        Rated G Bob in Kingston, Ont. VODKA Who knew!!!! 1. To remove a bandage painlessly,saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive. 2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka,spray the caulking,let set five minutes and wash clean.The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew 3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft,clean cloth dampened with vodka.The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. 4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting. 5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry. 6. Using a cotton ball,apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores. 7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.The alcohol cleanses the scalp,removes toxins from hair,and stimulates the growth of healthy hair. 8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them. 9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy,refreshing .ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes. 10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers,fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.Strain liquid through a coffee filter,then apply the tincture to aches and pains. 11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment. 12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka. 13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting. 14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the oil from your ski n. 15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2007 11:03 AM                        Rated G A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire. The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“ “I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 02-05-2007 12:21 PM                        Rated R... Larry and Steve wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage. Steve said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Larry replied, "Don't worry. Just follow me." They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Steve said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!" Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the bar man noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Steve said, "Larry, I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!" Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2007 02:12 PM                        Rated G B.B. In case you don't know what a hangover is: A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and you wish you hadn't." A good cure for a hangover is to drink black coffee the night before instead of the morning after. The best days not to drink are days that end in the letter, "Y". But just in case you find yourself with a whopper of a hangover try one of the followig cures....they're guaranteed to work. YOODOO VOODOO CURE Those spun out Haitan voodoo people recommend sticking thirteen black pins in the cork of the offending bottle. Worth a try. Harder with twist tops. SPIN OUT CURE When you go to bed at night after a long night of drinking and you have the spins there is a cure...put one foot on the ground and keep one in bed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2007 08:25 AM                        Rated G Four leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2007 09:59 AM                        Rated G Dracula A mushroom walks into a bar; the bartender says to him, "sorry, we don’t serve your kind here!" The mushroom replies, "WHY? I'm a fun-gi" (fun-guy)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2007 01:25 PM                        Rated PG A man walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching television, one of Hillary's political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary is a horse's ass!" The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the mouth, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor. After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country." "It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2007 01:14 PM                        Rated R The Dentist A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a GOOD dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"  |  IP: Logged

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