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Author Topic: Bars & Pubs Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 03-28-2005 03:18 PM                        Rated G A police cruiser was parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 12:57 PM                        Rated G Kevin "I've always held that any glass is a "beer glass" if you drink beer out of it, and any glass is a "wine glass" if you drink wine out of it. But that jerk at the pet shop still calls it an 'aquarium.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2005 10:00 AM                        Rated G Beer drinking 101 Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Improper bladder control. Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training. Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Fault: Glass Empty Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Fault: You have fallen over backwards. Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar. Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts. Fault: You have fallen forward. Action: See above. Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet. Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face. Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror. Symptom: Floor blurred. Fault: You are looking through an empty glass. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Floor moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. Symptom: Room seems unusually dark. Fault: Bar has closed. Action: Confirm home address with the bartender. Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures. Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Action: Cover mouth. Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. Fault: Your dancing on the table. Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking. Symptom: Beer is crystal clear. Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up. Action: Punch him. Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. Fault: You have been in a fight. Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. Symptom:Don't recognize anyone,don't recognize the room you're in. Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party. Action: See if they have free beer. Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted. Fault: The beer is too weak. Action: Have more beer until your voice improves. Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song. Fault: Beer is just right. Action: Play air guitar.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 03:59 PM                        Rated G A man goes into a pub, sits down at the bar, and orders five pints of ale. The bartender gives him an odd look since the guy's all by himself. But, he goes ahead and serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The man downs thenm..... One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman,"Four pints, please, mate!" The bartender serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The man downs them...... One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and promptly orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back...... One, Two, Three. "Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the bartender places two pints in front of him. Down they go..... One, Two. Ahhhh! As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "On pint, mate!" So, the bartender fills the glass. The guy sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the bartender and says, "Y'know, 'ish a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get....."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2005 03:37 PM                        Rated G There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three huge back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-13-2005 12:20 PM                        Rated R Ed in Aurora, Ont. Ca Police are warning all men who frequent clubs,parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large special vessels called "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a man to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings,in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a long-term form of ervitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' and the women administering it... there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2005 11:05 AM                        Rated G Beer Drinkers everywhere ... Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the Brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2005 10:37 AM                        Rated PG A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his fellow salesmen. Immediately one of the other salesmen says to him: "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-gun, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?" Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogcrap. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ!! This stuff tastes like CRAP!!' I reply 'Yes sir! That's what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2005 05:03 PM                        Rated G It's about 10 p.m. on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar finishes his drink and is about ready to go home. Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him, "Hey buddy," why're ya goin' home so soon? I usually see you here until past midnight. Something wrong tonight?" The guy responds, "No ain't nothin' wrong, just gotta sore butt from sittin' on this bar stool for so long." "Buddy, I got just the thing for ya," says the bartender as he's reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar. He pulls down a bottle of pills, opens the bottle up, and hands the guy two white pills. The guy looks at the pills in his hand and says, "What're these, aspirin?" "Nooo," says the bartender..... "stool softener."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-09-2005 05:42 PM                        Rated PG... This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?" The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka." The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?" The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-11-2005 06:18 PM                        Rated PG Get This! said Tom, the big guy to his friends,Last night while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into the house! Did he get anything? his friends asked. Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.... My wife thought it was me coming home drunk!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-11-2005 06:23 PM                        Rated G A Duck walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Has my brother been in here?" The barman says, "What does he look like?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-16-2005 04:34 PM                        Rated G I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2005 02:56 PM                        Rated G A man walks into a bar... "Do you serve women at this bar?" "No, sir, you have to bring your own."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2005 07:59 AM                        Rated G One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?" The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?" The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?" The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will." The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left. About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender. The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!" The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."  |  IP: Logged

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