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Author
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Topic: Bars & Pubs
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-14-2003 09:38 AM
Rated R ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
The town drunk sent his mentally challenged son to fetch him some gin from the local bar.The boy told bartender that his dad wanted some gin.
The bartender,winking at his customers,said, "There are three kinds of gin, hydrogin,nitrogin,and drinking gin. Which kind does your dad want?"
The boy said he didn't know but would go ask. The bar patrons had a good laugh at bartender's cleverness.
The boy returned and bartender said, "What did your Dad say?"
The boy replied,"My dad said to tell you that there are three kinds of turds,musturd,custurd,and you,you big shit". ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
[ 10-21-2003, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-16-2003 07:02 AM
Rated G
One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work when an attractive woman,a former co-worker,came in and sat next to him.She told him she had just had a fight with her husband,a police officer,and needed to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John."Don't look now," I whispered,"but a guy about six-five just walked in.And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating,John turned to me."Quick, Ed," he said,
"kiss me on the lips."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-16-2003 05:55 PM
Rated G B.B.
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the
holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions.While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls:While I agree with you that communication is
important,I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2am.
2. Eating:Now,you know I love a good meal and,though cooking is
far from my specialty,why you suggested that I eat a kabob with
chilli sauce,coupled with ramen and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curds and chilli cheesefries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need
to do more yoga to improve my balance,I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary!!Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise,as it can often
clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are
banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian
wigs, sombreros,bows,ties,boxes,upside-down cups,inflatable
balloon animals,traffic cones,or bras.
5. Beer Goggles:If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I
most likely do not.Please do not request that I go over and see
if in fact,I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's
F*** ' is illegal from now on.While I may be thinking this,
please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this
thought from becoming a statement,especially in public.
6. Furthermore,the hangovers have GOT to stop.Now,I know a
little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in
order,but the 2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.I ask that,if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,bread products,aspirin)prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.
Come on now,it ' s only fair-you do your part,I'll do mine.
Alcohol,I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and
would like to ensure that we remain on good terms.You've been the invoker of great stories,the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.In order to continue this friendship,I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy
hour)on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue
this fruitful partnership.
Thank you.
~Unknown
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-21-2003 09:42 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an
attractive female, and they go back to her place. "You can't make any noise," she warns him."My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"
Things start getting heated on the sofa,but after a while alcoholgets the better of the man's bladder."I have to go," he says.
"Well, you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents'
bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later,he
pops his head round the door and asks, "Do you have any toilet
paper?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-24-2003 07:48 AM
Rated G
Phil went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes later, a
beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to
him. Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with
excitement, Phil agreed. When they got to the bedroom, Phil
exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed, I've never had sex on a waterbed
before."
Soon they were both naked and going at it.The blonde stopped him and said,"Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"
"Good idea." he responded, and got up.Phil walked out of the
room,and when he came back,he was wearing a life preserver."
Way to go "Coot".
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Phil Hill
I love my cootie bug
Posts: 7595
From: Hollywood, CA USA
Registered: Mar 2000
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posted 10-24-2003 07:40 PM
Well Bob, this isn't the correct thread to post this, but "IT" sure fits you...
>>> Phil
Rated "G"
Bob was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Bob decided to join a well-known motion-picture film equipment manufacturer. After weeks of negotiations, he was finally hired as a VP/President of something or other. But, after signing on the dotted line, Bob realized that since he bull-shitted the owners, and he knew nothing about running such a business, he quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews:
The first guy, Brad, was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Bob asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And Brad answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Bob got very angry and threw Brad out.
The second interview was with a young guy named Josh. He was even better than that jerk Brad. Bob asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and Josh replied: "Well, you have no ears." Bob again was upset and tossed Josh out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. His name was Phil and he was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better business man than the first two put together.
Bob was anxious, but went ahead and asked Phil the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, Phil answered: "Why yes, you wear contact lenses." Bob was shocked and impressed as he had a new role-model and hero. Bob thought to himself..."What an incredibly observant, good-looking, intelligent man." Bob asked, "How in the world did you know that?"
Phil fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears you old fart!"
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Phil Hill
I love my cootie bug
Posts: 7595
From: Hollywood, CA USA
Registered: Mar 2000
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posted 10-26-2003 04:11 PM
Rated "PG"
Two buddies, Phil and Bob, are getting very drunk at a bar, when Bob throws up all over himself. "Oh, no! Now the Mrs. will kill me." So Phil says, "Don't worry Bob, just tuck a twenty in your shirt pocket, tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So, they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Bob rolls into home and wifie starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting YOF!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Bob says, "Now waina minit, Ican e'splaine everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple... But this other guy, Brad, got sick on me...he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his lickker. He said he was very sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Wifie looks in Bob's shirt pocket and says, "But there is forty bucks here."
Oh yeah Bob sez, I almos' forgot...he shit in my pants, too.
>>> Phil
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-29-2003 03:30 PM
Rated G
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.
"Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house!
Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee.
Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog.
So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."
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