A drunk who finds himself is in a police station is yelling, "I demand to know why I have been brought in here - Do You Realize Who I AM!?!"

The Police Officer says:"You were brought here for drinking."

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This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, asks the bartender where's the bathroom at?

The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.

A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out on the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom and asked the drunk, "What all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

BEER QOUTES:

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. - Winston ‘s reply 

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on
-- Dean Martin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -- Jack Handy

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -- Dave Barry

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. -- David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-- Homer Simpson

Work is the curse of the drinking class. -- Oscar Wilde

I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. -- Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer. -- Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin

A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park.

A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What the hell do you think you're doing?

There's a public toilet 20 yards from here!"

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over
the bar which reads:

         Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
         Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
         Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

The Annual Bartender's Conference has just voted the cocktail of the year: Vodka and Carrot Juice.

Hey

A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink. He's just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells "Hey ! Your house is burnin!" The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks... "Hey, I don't have a house."

He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again.

Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells "Hey ! Your dad has died!"

So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks..."Wait a minute, my dad died years ago."

He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when another guys runs up. " ! Congratulations! You've won the lottery! There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"

The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office.

Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at the local bar.

One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." His friend replied,

"Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loose women' ya always hear about."

"You don't say." said the first man. "Bet that was costly."

A very small, sickly-looking man was hired as a bartender.

The saloon owner gave him a word of warning: "Drop everything and run for your life if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town."

Several months pass...

Then one day a cowhand rushed in shouting, "Big John is a'comin'!" and knocked the small bartender on the floor in his hurry to get out.

Before the bartender had a chance to recover, he looked up to see a giant of a man riding up to the saloon on the back of a buffalo, and using a rattlesnake for a whip.

The man came in, tearing the swinging doors off their hinges, knocked over tables, and flung the snake into the corner.

He then took his massive fist and split the bar in half and he demanded a drink...

The bartender nervously pushed a bottle at the man...

The man then bit off the top of the bottle with his teeth and downed the contents in one gulp, then turned to leave.

The bartender relizing that he wasn't going to hurt him, asked the man if he would like another drink.

DO RE MI BEER
by Homer J. Simpson.

DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer...:Beer:

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...

ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,

FAR..... the distance to my beer

SO...... I think I'll have a beer...

LA...... La la la la la la beer

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to...

(Looks into an empty glass)

Alcoholic:
- a man that goes to a topless bar just to have a drink.

Nurses:
- young women who hold your wrist and then expect your pulse to be normal.

Faithful husband:
- one whose alimony checks arrive on time.