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Author Topic: Bars & Pubs Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-03-2003 03:56 PM                        Rated G Becky Fast Turtle A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue,two of his legs are bandaged,and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks,"What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing,"the man responds,"This beat up turtle is faster than your dog." "Not a chance!",replies the barkeep. "Okay then," says the guy."You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar.Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog.I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you,my turtle will be there." So the bartender,thinking it's an easy $500,agrees.The bartender goes to the other side of the bar,and on the count of three, calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room where it hits the wall on the other side,narrowly missing the bartender. "I WIN!Told you it'll be there before your dog!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 07:25 AM                        Rated G A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender says, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Geeze, what the heck is that?" The Bartender says, "Well, we call it a 'Pabst Smir'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 12:12 PM                        Rated G "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 12:14 PM                        Rated G "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." --Ernest Hemingway  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 12:16 PM                        Rated G "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." --Henny Youngman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 12:18 PM                        Rated G "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,we fall asleep. When we fall asleep,we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" --Brian O'Rourke  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 12:21 PM                        Rated G "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 12:26 PM                        Rated G As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.Excessive intake of alcohol,as we know,kills brain cells.But naturally,it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.In this way,regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 07:06 AM                        Rated G Tom got a new job as a bartender. A patron ordered a Manhattan. When Tom served the drink, there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass. "What in the world is this?" asked the man. Tom peered into the glass and replied, "That's Central Park.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 10:09 AM                        Rated PG A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking,smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?" Having already had a few power drinks,she turns around,faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,"Listen! I'll screw anybody,anytime,anywhere,your place,my place,front door,back door,it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college.I just flat ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest he says,"No kidding,I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-25-2003 04:29 PM                        Rated G It was a typical night at the old watering hole. Jim walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a tall one. Then Jim told his buddy, Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently." Confused by his buddy's comment, Bill asked, "Oh? Why were you wondering about that?" Jim explained, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 08:04 AM                        Rated PG An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, "You know me, why don't you talk to me?" She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 09:11 AM                        Rated G A man walks into a bar and the barmen says to him "It looks like you've got a steering wheel down your pants!?" "I know, it's drivin' me nuts!!!!!!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 08:09 AM                        Rated G Rated G Crazy Mary Why Beer is Better Than Religion 1. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 3. Beer has never caused a major war. 4. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 5. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his or her brand of Beer. 7. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 8. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 9. You can prove you have a Beer. 10. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 07:58 AM                        Rated G Tourist at the Bar After a tourist had sat down and been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge,he beckoned the waitress back and said,"Miss would y'all give me a piece of ass?" "Lord,that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.Then she smiled and added,Sure,why not?,it's pretty slow here right now,let's go!" When the pair returned a half hour later,the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked,Will there be anything else?" "Yes" replied the tourist. "Where I come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need uh ass for mah drink."  |  IP: Logged

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