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Author
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Topic: Bars & Pubs
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-20-2003 12:28 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Dumb is Good
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend.The guy at the door asked for my ID.I gave him my driver's license,which of course had my date of birth printed on it.
He looked at it and said,"You have to be 21 to get in here." I
replied,"That ID is a few years old."
He looked at it again for a moment,then said,"Oh! ok,then he let me in. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-26-2003 06:21 AM
Rated G
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-26-2003 06:30 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police.
The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.
John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice,"Jessica, will you shut up!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied,"only when he's drunk."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-23-2003 02:52 PM
Rated R
Two guys had been having a few beers at the bar together
recounting old times when, by chance the call of nature caused
them to line up at adjascent urinals at the same time, still deep in conversation.
But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well
endowed. "I say, thats a remarkable tool you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark.
"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "Medical science can do
wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done
over in Harley Street, England, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent."
Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and
flew off to the Old Dart first thing. It was a good six months
later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advise and was well pleased with the result.
"But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred.
"You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Harley Street, same doctor. Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred
if he could take a look. Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Chas took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared.
"No wonder," he laughed. "Thats my old one!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-27-2003 12:24 PM
Rated R ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
I think I'll try a nicer approach
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-18-2003 08:31 AM
Rated G Denny In Yonkers
Hangover Ratings
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain.No real feeling of illness.You're able to function relatively well.However,you are still parched.You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way.For some reason,you are craving a steak &fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain,but something is definitely amiss.You may look okay,but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut,which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion.There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache.Stomach feels crappy.You are definitely not productive.Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water,3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks.Your head is throbbing.You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.You wore nice clothes,but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.For the ladies,it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.)Your eyes look like one big red vein,and even your hair hurts.Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm,and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head,which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability togenerate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning.Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in.The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.Death sounds pretty good about right now....
---o0o---
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
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