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Author
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Topic: Bars & Pubs
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-12-2002 07:30 AM
Rated X 
My friend Gary was sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honored icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I cum, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied. 
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-20-2002 02:47 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Ouch...I drank too much last night....
1 star hangover * - No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka red bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover * * - No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover * * * - Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her perfume / aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends, after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover * * * * - You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems depending on your gender. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a week's pay for one of the following: Home time, doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover * * * * * - You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ... very gently.
6 star hangover * * * * * * - You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in
the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your
head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice
and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2002 07:38 PM
Rated R
This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit down at a table and the man goes to the bar and says, "A pint of Bitter for myself, a Gin & Tonic for the ostrich and a Scotch for the cat".
The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway.
Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says, "A G&T for myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a whisky for the cat."
The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks.
This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately buying rounds of drinks, but the cat never does. By the end of the evening the barman asks the man, "Look, whats the story? I have to know, why do you have an ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never buys a round?"
"Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the road one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and Genie came out and said, `Oh thank you for releasing me, oh Master, what is your heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be yours.'
"So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-17-2002 08:05 AM
Rated G
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a rum and coke."
The bartender reaches behind the bar and pulls up an apple. The guy says, "What the hell is this?!"
The bartender says, "Take a bite out of one side of the apple. The man bites it, and finds it tastes like rum. He tries the other side, and it tastes like coke. Impressed, the man says, "Ok, I'll have a gin and tonic."
The bartender pulls up another apple. The man bites each side, one side tasting like gin, the other like tonic.
Then the man says, "Ill have something that tastes like pussy."
The bartender pulls up yet another apple. The man eagerly bite into the apple, then spits it out. He says, "God damn, that tastes like shit!!"
The bartender says, "Try the other side."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-27-2002 06:45 AM
Rated G
"No, Thank You!"
A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East
side of Manhattan,and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came over and asked "What can I get you to drink,sir"?
The gentleman responded,"Nothing,thank you.I tried alcohol once,
didn't like it,and never tried it again."
The bartender was a bit perplexed,but being a friendly,outgoing sort
he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman a
cigarette.
The gentleman refused,saying,"I tried smoking once,didn't like it,
and never did it again.The point is,I wouldn't be in here at all,
except that I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender retorted,"Your only child,I presume?"
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all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!" ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
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