A guy struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.

After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how hold are you, anyway?" the guy asked.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen? My God, girl! Get those clothes back on at once and get the hell out of here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down their local bar, when one said to the other, "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow, "My wife doesn't have got a speech impediment!"

Well," replied his friend , "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say NO!"

A man goes up to a woman at a bar and says to her,"I've got a condom with your name on it."

The woman says to him, "No,I don't think so. My name's not 'Trojan Extra Small.'"

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on this woman who is waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the woman smirks.

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been
somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.

Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married. On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big.

Two guys and a woman were sitting in a bar talking about their lives.

One guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy said, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

"What's that drink you're mixing" the stranger asked the
bartender in the upscale Tex-Mex bar.

"I call it a lil' Texas Shooter", said the bartender as he
continued to mix up several batches of the drink.

"What's in it ?" asked the stranger.

"Sugar, milk and rum." said the barkeep.

"Is it good ?" asked the man.

"Sure is senor." said the bartender smiling. "The sugar gives you
pep, and the milk gives you plenty of energy."

"And the rum ?" asked the stranger.

Sitting in the bar, George asked Johnny, 40, "How come you aren't married?"

"I haven't found the right woman yet," said Johnny.

"So what are you looking for?" asked George.

"Oh she's got to be real pretty," explained Johnny, "a good cook 'n house keeper, - well and she's got to know how to handle money, - a really nice and pleasant personality is a must, - and money, she's got to have money, - and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."

"A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!" said George.

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.

The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."

"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say: "You've got something hanging out of your nose."

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.

"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down.'

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like
a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

"Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass."

"Okay," says the guy. He turns to his dog. "Okay fella. Tell me --what is on top of your doghouse?"

"Roof!" The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

"THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!"

"Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?"

"Ruff!"

"What the hell are you tryin' to pull, mister?"

"Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?"

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, this "cute little thing" on the stool began to cry.

The bartender asked, "What's the trouble, Dearie?"

She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with inexperienced stuff. What should I do?"

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try.

She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.

First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's. After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.

With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "What the fuck was in that?"

She whispers in his ear....