The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

Give Me A Double

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, “What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''

''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''

The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.

They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.

After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed.

Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at their favorite bar.

They're tired and worn out from a long day, having a couple of longnecks, just relaxin' and talking, watchin' the women go by.

A really beautiful brunette walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, look at each other, smile and one of them says, "I'll give her a 3."

The other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 for sure."

Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic lookin redhead, comes walkin' by in front of them... First cowboy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4." The second cowboy agrees and says, "Yep... she sure is a 4."

Time passes on, and the cowboys are still sippin' their beers, just watchin' folks pass. And across the room comes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde. As she comes near them, they both straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look. First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn! That one has GOT to be a 6." The second cowboy nods slowly, grins and says, "Yep.DEFINITELY a 6."

The woman hears them, turns around real sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys... She looks the first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually standing there rating women?"

The cowboys look kind of embarrassed, but they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't understand...."

The blonde, even madder, looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU." And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!" And she says, "Well. What is it I don't understand. Here you are, rating women. I understand THAT!."

The first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kind a rating system...."

The blonde, says, "Oh. And what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me a SIX before!"

The second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."

Taken aback, she asks, "What the hell is the Budweiser method?"

There are two friends at a bar late one night.

One holds a cat everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch.

The friend finally asks him, "What's with the cat?"

The man responds, "I use it to tell time."

As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible.

He finally asks his friend, puzzled, "So how does it tell time?"

The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud.

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"

"Make it a whisky," says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

"That will be three dollars," says the bartender.

"Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."

"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap."

Anyway, two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same bartender.

The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the asshole who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?"

"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"

"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."

The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."

While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of Buffalo manure in the other. He says to the bartender "Me want beer."

The bartender says "Sure chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a
tall draft beer and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then he walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender. "Me wants beer."

The bartender says. "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about anyway?"

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.