You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. - Winston ‘s reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on
-- Dean Martin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -- Jack Handy

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -- Dave Barry

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. -- David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-- Homer Simpson

Work is the curse of the drinking class. -- Oscar Wilde

I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. -- Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer. -- Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin

NEWS FLASH!:

Estrogen Found in Beer

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think, and refused to apologize when wrong. --

There were these three men who had a very late night drinking guiness....

They left in the early morning hours and went home separately.

They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk.. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. 

All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.

His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" 

The driver says, "Don't worry.  Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out.

First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. 
Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car.  He looks at them kind of funny, but   asks to see the guy's driver's license.  And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.

"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.

"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers.  "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight ."

"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"

A drunk shambled into a bar and bet the bartender that he could tell the ingredients in any drink he cared to mix.

The bartender stooped behind the bar and emptied into one glass the remains of several drinks - a Martini, a Scotch and Soda, brandy, a rum & Coke, etc.

The drunk sipped the drink, and, one after the other, correctly named the contents.

He offered to do it again, and this time the bartender filled a glass with water.

Beer Operating Systems:

Dos :Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in
8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2-oz. each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are
going to keep drinking it after it is no longer available.

Mac :Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical
when you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients
list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you
are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds
you to drag your empties to the trash can.

Windows 3.1 :Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like
Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking a Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows '95 :Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but taste more like windows
3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans
only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep
drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows '95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small
print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even
though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows ‘98 :Beer:
Supposedly a new and improved Windows ‘95 Beer, but the same old brew, even the manufacturer advises that you don’t need to bother with it.

Windows NT :Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The
can looked just like Windows 3.1 Beers, But the company decided to
change the can to look just like the Window's '95 / ‘98 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

A fellow strolled up to a lady at the bar and introduced himeslf.

“Hello,” he said smiling, “My name is Snow, what's yours?'”

The women replied, “June.”

So This guy walks into a bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.

He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk.

In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

This guy had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar giggling uncontrolably.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

Indignant Drunk

A drunk who finds himself is in a police station is yelling, "I demand to know why I have been brought in here -

Do You Realize Who I AM!?!"

The Police Officer says:"You were brought here for drinking."

A young man goes into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans.

Checking the scene over, he sits by the most attractive woman at the bar.

After a time, with smug satisfaction he noticed she was constantly glancing down at his crotch.

"Hi, there. I'm Steve," he said, launching into his come-on routine, "and I help produce a TV quiz show. Is there anything else you would like to know?"

Drinking Dilemma

A guy goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints.

The barman gives him an odd look since he's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar.

The guy downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!"

The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar.

The guy downs them....One, Two, Three, Four.

Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints.

One after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three.

"Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him.

Down they go .... One, Two.

As the guy slams the last one down on the bar, he says,

"Only one pint now, mate."

So the barman fills the glass.

This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks.

The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron.

The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds

The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing on the back of his hand as if it's a telephone. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into his palm.

The bartender walks over and tells the guy it's a tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos.

"You don't understand," the man says. "I'm very high tech. I've had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a cell."

"Prove it!"

So the guy dials up a number and presents his hand to the bartender.

The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation.

"That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," says the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and five, ten, twenty minutes go by.

Fearing the worst given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.

The guy is spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.

"Oh my god!" says the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"