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Author
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Topic: Bars & Pubs
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-03-2003 07:39 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers.The Buffalo Theory as told by Cliff Clavin:
One afternoon at Cheers,Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm,and here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way,the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.Excessive intake of alcohol,as we know, kills brain cells.But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.In this way,regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,making the brain a faster and more efficient machine."
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-07-2003 10:04 AM
Rated G
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-08-2003 08:03 AM
Rated X ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Moanin' Mike is sitting in his local bar with his buddies,sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life.
Moanin' says,I have great sex with my wife.She's very vocal,she can really rattle the windows, and most of it really turns me on.I love it when she screams,'Harder!'I love it when she screams,'Faster!'
"Man, you lucky dog! Says his one buddy.But come on and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?"
"The only problem I have..." Moanin' said dejectedly,"Is when she screams, ....'Deeper!'"
[ 01-11-2003, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-11-2003 03:50 PM
Rated G
Say Goodbye
A ventriloquist goes into a tavern in a small town,takes a seat
at the bar, and puts a small dog on the seat next to him. "Give me a beer," the man says to the bartender.Then he turns to his dog and asks, "What would you like?"
"You can bring me the same," the dog says."And I'd like mine very cold, please."
The bartender can hardly believe what he has just heard. "A talking dog?" he asks.
"Yes," the ventriloquist says, acting as if it's nothing special. "I worked hard to teach him and finally he just started talking."
"What a boon that would be to my business," the bartender thinks
to himself. He says to the ventriloquist, "I'll give you $50 for
him."
"No,"says the ventriloquist."The little fellow loves me very much, and it would hurt him if I were to sell him."
"I'll give you $100," the bartender says.
"No, I couldn't part with him for so little."
"OK, I'll make it $5,000," the bartender says.
The ventriloquist gives it some thought and finally says, "OK, he's yours."
The bartender gets the money from his safe and hands it to the
ventriloquist.In the door,the ventriloquist turns to the dog and
says with great sadness in his voice,"So long, old friend."
"Old friend,my foot!" the dog says."Is this the way humans pay
for love and fidelity?I'll never say another word!"
With that,the ventriloquist goes to his car and speeds off.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-14-2003 04:16 PM
Rated PG
Hangover Rating
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-15-2003 09:43 AM
Rated R
A guy walks into a bar. He has a huge wad in his pocket, 2 beautiful blondes on either arm, and a little man on his shoulder. The bartender thinks this is odd but figures it would be ok to serve him.
The guy asks if he can buy everyone in the house a drink. The bartender looks at him kinda funny and says, "Sir, I'm gonna have to see some money before I can pour that many drinks." So, the guy reaches into his pocke, pulls out a huge wad of $100 bills, and lays 5 of them on the bar.
The bartender pours all the drinks and just as he has finished the last one, the little man on the guy's shoulder runs down his arm, hops off his hand and knocks every drink over then proceeds back up the man's arm.
So, the man tells the bartender he wants to order everyone in the house a drink. Same exact thing happens again.
For the third time, the man asks to buy the house a round and the bartender looks at him and says, "Brother, do you not realize what is happening here? I can't keep pouring these drinks. Now, what is the deal?"
The man sighs and says, "One day I was walking along the beach when I ran into a bottle. A genie popped out and said he could grant me 3 wishes. The first thing I wished for was a wad of $100 bills that never ended. The second thing I wished for was 2 gorgeous blondes to have for the rest of my life." The bartender says, "Well what was the third thing you wished for?" The man replied, "A 12 inch prick."
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