my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Bars & Pubs (Page 21)

This topic comprises 28 pages: 1  2  3  ...  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  26  27  28

Author Topic: Bars & Pubs Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2004 08:29 PM                        Rated G A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink then stands up and yells across the bar,"Who is the baddest man in here?" This guy 6'4" stands up and says,"I am." Well,the little guy goes over and whips the crap out of the big man and leaves. Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to beat the crap out of the baddest man in the bar and then leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks straight.Finally,the bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean man-eating gorilla. Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says, "Who's the baddest man here?" Bartender says,"He's in the bathroom!" After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling, the little guy comes out of the bathroom and tells the bartender when the guy in the bathroom wakes up tell him his fur coat is in the trash can.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 10:17 AM                        Rated R This guy has been sitting in a bar all night,staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him,so he walks over and asks,"How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies,"Well,you could start by buying me a drink."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2004 11:36 AM                        Rated G Mike and Al while sitting at the bar talking: Mike says,Al! there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for my good friend Joe,the bartender. You know,Joe feels exactly like me; there's absolutely nothing Joe wouldn't do for me. So all year long,we sit around doing absolutely nothing for each other.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:46 AM                        Rated G Michele A bloke was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. 'Who's he?' said the bloke. 'That's the Memory Man.' Said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.' So the bloke goes over thinking 'He won't know about English football.' 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'he asks. 'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man.' Who did they beat?' 'Leeds' was the reply.' And the score?' '2-1' Who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply. The bloke was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to greet The Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the Red Indian greeting 'How?' The Memory man replied: 'Diving header in the six yard box.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 12:26 PM                        Rated G While I was sitting in a crowded tavern one night, a large, gruff man sat down on the stool beside mine. Picking up an ashtray,he began to pound it on the bar.The barmaid,with three mugs of beer in each hand,acknowledged him, stating she would be right there.But he continued his loud pounding. The barmaid went over to the cash register,wrote something on a piece of paper and laid it in front of the man. "You'll have to wait until your number is called," she said. I glanced to see the number 567 boldly written on the paper. She then turned to the other patrons, and in a loud voice called out, "Who has No. 1?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-02-2004 01:19 PM                        Rated PG A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart. "Where on earth did you get him?" Says the bartender. The redneck responded by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ... each person is only allowed one!" The bartender got real excited. Without hesitating he said, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they kept coming. The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "I know" says the man "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2004 11:11 AM                        Rated R A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2004 09:10 AM                        Rated G A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time. When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday." "There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2004 11:04 AM                        Rated G A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled,"He's so drunk,he thinks he's me!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2004 07:24 PM                        Rated G Michele Pubs You Should Avoid When In Britain The Boot and Face The Rash and Thorn The Flatulent Barmaid The Boars(give)Head (after a pitcher of margaritas) The Piss-Topped Ale The Tourist and Muggers The Psychopath and Scythe The Horny Dwarf and Your Leg The Rammed Fist Ye Olde Knee and Nuts and Punch and Nose and Crowbar and Noggin and Axe and Arms and Corpse and Saw and Bathtub and Sulfuric Acid and Unicorn The Mastiff and Yo Mama The Queen Stan  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2005 10:02 AM                        Rated G Michele Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins" "That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets" The third man shouted, "Good G-d, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves"!!!  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-22-2005 01:20 PM                        Rated R... The sign in the window read "Piano Player Wanted." There was a ragged, old, retired Battleship Gunners Mate Chief who shuffled into a waterfront bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try. The old Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. "It's called, 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old Chief after he took a long pull from the beer. The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head. When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" "Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2005 02:30 PM                        Rated G Proud Texan Father A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds. Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?" "Yup, shore am!" "How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "Ten pounds." The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds." The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-15-2005 01:37 PM                        Rated PG How do you know your bartender doesn't like you anymore?? There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 10:04 AM                        Rated G ODE TO BEER Of all my favorite things to do, The utmost is to have a brew. My love grows for my foamy friend, with each thirst-quenching elbow bend. Beer's so frosty, smooth, and cold ------ It's paradise ---- Pure liquid gold. Yes beer means many things to me that's all for now ---- I gotta Pee!  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 28 pages: 1  2  3  ...  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  26  27  28

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.