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Author Topic: Bars & Pubs Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2005 08:01 AM                        Rated G Big Bad Bart It's the time of the Old West. A citizen of the town comes running into the saloon and screams, "Big Bad Bart is coming! Big Bad Bart is coming! We gotta get outta town." Everyone gets up in a hurry and takes off as fast as they can, including the saloonkeeper, who when hopping over the bar slips on a beer and knocks himself unconscious. When he comes to, he makes his way outside to see the biggest, meanest man he's ever seen riding down the center of the town on two buffaloes, whipping them with a rattlesnake screaming, "Giddyup! Let's go, come on." He makes his way over to the saloonkeeper, dismounts, and enters the saloon. Breaking both doors off the hinges while entering, he walks up to the bar, slams his fist down, breaking the bar in half and hollers, "Gimme some beer in a gallon jug." After the saloonkeeper hands him the jug, he watches as the man drinks it in three seconds flat. When he's done with his drink, the man turns around to walk out the door. The saloonkeeper couldn't believe his eyes and wanted to see him do it again. He asks him, "Don't you want another beer?" The man turns around and says, "Heck no, Big Bad Bart is coming! I gotta get outta town!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-13-2005 06:54 PM                        Rated G Reasons to allow drinking at work The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2005 12:35 PM                        Rated G Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy." After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl." Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there." They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway. Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?" Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-29-2005 01:00 PM                        Rated PG Phil on The Hill A leper walks into a bar and orders a beer. When the bartender bringsout the beer and sets it down in front of the leper, the bartender throws up. The leper says, "Does my appearance bother you? I can leave if there's a problem." "No, no! There's no problem.I'll get you another beer." Says the bartender. So the bartender cleans up his mess, gets another beer, sets it down in front of the leper, and throws up again. "Are you sure there's no problem with me being here?" the leper asks. "I am so embarrassed," the bartender says,"I'm so sorry.It won't happen again." So again, the bartender cleans up his mess, gets another beer... and throws up AGAIN! "Look, there's obviously a problem with me being here so why didn't you just say something? I could have just left, you know!" shouted the leper, who at this point is very angry. "Sir,I am very sorry," apologized the bartender,"but it's not you.It's the guy next to you dipping his nachos in your arm..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 10:07 AM                        Rated R Popo Some idiot walks into a bar with a pile of shit in his hands and says, "Look what I almost stepped in!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 10:18 AM                        Rated G A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor. "Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly." "I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer gave me some Jewish fly." "Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?" "I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?" The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg. "You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight." "Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man. "Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2005 08:23 AM                        Rated G The secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2005 02:06 PM                        Rated PG B.B. BEER TROUBLESHOOTING...(especially iof you live in England) SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM:Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 04:35 PM                        Rated G Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins" "That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets" The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house,my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 10:16 AM                        Rated G A guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the wall. It says "Ask about our special challenge". He asks the bartender what its all about. The bartender says points to two large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling about three and a bit yards up and says "If you can jump up and touch those pieces of meat then you can drink in this bar free for a year. However if you don't manage to reach them then you have to buy everyone here two rounds each." The guy thinks about it and muses it over. He looks at the meat then at the barman then at the meat then looks at the barman and says "Nah, pal. The steaks are too high."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2005 02:11 PM                        Rated G How drunk are you? Official drinking test This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer. 1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin. 2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever. 3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling. 4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import. 5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being. Question answer values For every question answered with an A, add ten points. For every question answered with a B, add five points. For every question answered with a C, do not change the score. For every question answered with a D, subtract five points. For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points. Results For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning. For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up. For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury. For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up. For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 03:48 PM                        Rated G Maurice was in a bar when he heard a man bragging he could drink ten beers in five minutes. Maurice challenged his boast, saying, "I'll bet you $100 that you can't do what you just said." The man scratched his chin and walked out. Maurice figured he'd called the man's bluff, but five minutes later the guy walked back into the bar and announced, "I accept the bet." As everyone gathered'round, the stranger drank all ten beers in five minutes. Amazed, Maurice paid the man his money and said, "Please tell me, before you accepted the bet, where did you go?" The guy responded, "I went to the bar down the street, just to make sure I could do it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2005 11:08 AM                        Rated G A very drunk man orders a drink. The bartender serves him, he asks him if he would like to try a game of darts. Only a dollar for three darts, and three in the bulls-eye wins a prize. "I'm game," the drunk slurs, and he throws the first dart. It's a bulls-eye! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet. . . another bulls-eye! He throws down two more drinks, he's barely able to stand, but he somehow lets the last dart fly. A third bulls-eye! Everyone in the bar is astounded. No one has ever won before, let alone anyone that drunk. The bartender searches for a prize, grabs a turtle from the terrarium on the bar, and presents it to the drunk as his prize. Three weeks pass. The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all in attendance, he scores three more bulls-eyes and demands his prize. The bartender has no idea what to give him, so he asks, "Hey, remind me, what did you win the last time?" "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll-it was great!" the guy replies.  |  IP: Logged Phil Hill I love my cootie bug Posts: 7595 From: Hollywood, CA USA Registered: Mar 2000 posted 12-03-2005 04:26 AM                  Rated PG This old troll walks into a gay bar with a gorgeous 21 y/o blond hunk on his arm and a tiny 10" man sitting on his shoulder. They sit down at the bar and the troll orders drinks, pays with a $100 bill and tells the bartender to keep the change. All of a sudden, the tiny man jumps off of the troll's shoulder, runs up and down the bar kicking over everybody's drinks. He then runs back to the troll and jumps back on his shoulder. The troll orders replacement drinks for everybody and tips the bartender an additional $100 bill. After the drinks are set up the tiny man jumps down and repeats his performance. After this happens 4 more times, the bartender asks the troll what's going on. The troll tells the bartender: One day I found a bottle. As I was rubbing the label, a genie popped out and granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have unlimited wealth. My second wish was to have the most gorgeous man as my lover. My third wish was to have a 10 inch prick.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 10:30 AM                        Rated G A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you're drink."  |  IP: Logged

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