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Author Topic: Bars & Pubs Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 09:33 AM                        Rated PG Doug stumbled into the bar and after several drinks confided to his friend Bill, "The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Screw or Walk' I must remember to be in my own car and not hers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 09:53 AM                        Rated PG 1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3.) Job interfering with you're drinking. 4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5.) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. 6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 8.) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence? 9.) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! 10.) You can focus better with one eye closed. 11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. 12.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. 13.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 14.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you 15.) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." 16.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 17.) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in. 18.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women 19.) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. 20.) Roseanne looks good. 21.) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. 22.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again. 23.) Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. 24.) "I'm as jober as a sudge." 25.) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. [ 01-30-2003, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 10:38 AM                        Rated G A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!" "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!" [ 01-27-2003, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 10:51 AM                        Rated PG Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 09:39 AM                        Rated PG Bumpers Alcohol Related Stickers DAMM - Drunks Against Mad Mothers You can't drink all day long if you don't start first thing in the morning! Rehab is for Quitters God made pot, man made beer, who do you trust? I'm not drunk you shilly sit! I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk! Alcoholics go to meetings! Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. Beer - helping white people dance since 1837. Don't Drink and Drive, You might spill some Instant asshole, just add alcohol I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. Hell yes I'm drunk! what do you think I am, a stunt driver? I am trying to graduate witha 4.0...blood alcohol level! A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth. Don't drink and drive--if you hit a bump you spill your beer If I'm driving funny its probably becuase I'm drunk. Milk sucks, got beer? That's not a beer belly! It's the fuel tank for my sex machine! Beer isn't just for breakfast any more. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. I have a problem with drinking... two hands and only one mouth Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder! I ain't ass think ass you drunk i am. Tequila - Have you hugged your toilet today? Our drinking team has a football problem Take me drunk I'm home Drink 'til he's hot! 1 Martini 2 Martini 3 Martini Floor If I am swerving, I dropped my beer. I am too drunk to walk, so I have to drive. Drink your beer! There are sober kids in India. A bad day of fishing turns into a good day of drinking. I rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. Ossifer, I swear to drunk I'm not God! Uh-oh, the doctor found traces of blood in my alcohol stream. No Mr. Martini, I haven't had any officers today. No one is ugly at 2 AM. The drunker I sit here, the longer I get. Start drinking at 9am...It's gotta be happy hour somewhere! I'm not as think as you drunk I am Beer -- Helping Ugly People Get Laid Since 1837 Beer is proof that God wanted men to be happy. ~Ben Franklin I swear assifer, there's no blood in my alcohol system Don't follow me....I've had tee many martoonies! I drink to make people like you more interesting. Do you think I'm hot or have you not had enough to drink yet? Time is never wasted when your wasted all the time Beer is bad... let's finish it! Instant idiot. Just add alcohol I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die Who said beer won't make you smarter? It made Bud wiser! My car's not a tree hugger, I'm drunk you idiot!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:44 PM                        Rated R Drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you?'" The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you.'" "Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, "but I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2003 12:46 PM                        Rated R Bar - Animal - Pun A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 10:58 AM                        Rated PG A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?" The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith." He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?" The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June." "Did you stay at the Hyatt?" The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt." "Were you in room 1368?" The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368." The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?" The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369." The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?" The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth." The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!" Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right.I didn't like it either.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 11:18 AM                        Rated R Bear Hal is petrified of girls,so he asks his friend Lenny how he meets so many nice chicks. Lenny says, "I have a surefire method to feel them out.I go up behind a girl and whisper,'Tickle your ass with a feather?' And when she turns around and asks what I said,I say, 'Typical nasty weather.'If she smiles or laughs,I know she has a sense of humor,we chat,and it all happens naturally.Try it." The next night,nervous but desperate,Hal goes to a very crowded bar,and sits in the corner,stewing,nursing a drink,getting more uptight every second. Finally,he walks up behind the nicest girl in the place,and after a few minutes of stammering,blurts out so everybody can hear,"Stick my finger in your ass?" She turns around and says,"WHAT!?" He says,"It's freaking pouring outside."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 07:36 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The Breast Institute reassured women who have had breast implants that in no cases has breast enhancement resulted in illness or disease. That might not be true. A lifetime of free drinks can cause all kinds of health problems. (Argus Hamilton)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 01:01 PM                        Rated G Where's the Martini A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender: "What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7!!".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 01:21 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine A pianist is playing in a seedy tavern ....it's 11:55 PM, and he's 5 minutes away from the end of his gig. The owner's assistant comes up to the pianist and says: "Da boss wants you should play Strangers In Da Nite." The pianist says: "Okay, no problem." The henchman continues: "Da boss wants you should play it in F#". The pianist says "I usually play it in F, but no problem!" The henchman goes on:"Da boss wants you should play it in 5/4 time." The pianist says "But the song is in 4/4 time..How am I supposed to do that?" Henchman asks him: "Look,you want paid or not?" So the pianist improvises an introduction,and as he gets to the opening notes of the song,he hears,in a really ugly, raspy voice behind him: "Strangers in-da-friggin' night....exchanging glances; Strangers in-da-friggin' night ..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 10:38 AM                        Rated R Sue Bee Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know.... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist" The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?'" She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know...Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc." A second gal answers their question before they even ask it: "B.I.T.C.H." What exactly is a BITCH?!? they ask in unison. "Babe In Total Control of Herself." So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "Bitch" SMILE ... and say "Thank You!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 02:23 PM                        Rated G Michele "I got married," said the first tavern regular,"so that I could get laid three or four times a week." "That's funny,"said another patron."That's why I got divorced."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 11:27 AM                        Rated G Four retired Army vets are walking down the street window shopping.Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up.They look at each other then go in.On the inside,they realize in this case,they could judge the 'book by it's cover'. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says,"That'll be 40 cents, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and or! der another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with ! the bartenderagain saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?" The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff.But, here's my story.I'm a retired Master Sargent and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans.Every drink costs a dime,wine,liquor,beer,all the same." "Wow.That's quite a story." says one of the men.The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the! bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says,"Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."  |  IP: Logged

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