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This topic comprises 7 pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
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Author
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Topic: Gender Related "Men & Women"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-16-2003 07:36 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry. Horny. Sleepy.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-30-2003 07:39 AM
Ratede G
FEMALE PRAYER
-Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
and never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead. Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store. Amen.
***
Thought for the day....
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they
turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
There, doesn't that just touch your heart?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-03-2003 09:02 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-16-2003 06:54 AM
Rated PG
HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE..
The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life. Then read on for the way things really are....
1. HAVE DINNER READY:
Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. PREPARE YOURSELF:
Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER.
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN.
Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE:
At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and kiss, letting him know you're glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner.Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. LISTEN TO HIM:
You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS:
Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. THE GOAL:
try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
*** TODAY ***
HAVE DINNER READY:
Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. PREPARE YOURSELF:
Make sure to change out of your work clothes into something comfortable. Who cares if he likes it or not... after all, it's most likely his T-shirt and boxers.
3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER:
Yeah right! Tell the kids and your husband if they want maid service, they better call one!
4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN:
Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play with their Play Stations.
5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE:
Yell to him over the loud music your kids are playing, that this is what you had to put up with while he was gone. And mention that it was his decision to buy the kids a new CD player in the first place.
6. SOME DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in
the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE:
Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. LISTEN TO HIM:
But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS:
Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
10. THE GOAL:
Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-25-2003 07:40 AM
Rated PG Nan In Warwick
Men and Women
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much.And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.And,I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.And,I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil,when it hears the words "I do."
But......
One evening last week,my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,we start touching, feeling and I am thinking tonight is a green light!!!!Then out of no where she says,"I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me."
I said,"WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads.She explains that I "must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman."I'm thinking,"Duh, what was her first clue?"
Although I keep trying to cling onto one last ounce of hope,I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night,so I fall asleep.
The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.
I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take,so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each---to which I say OK.
And then we go to the Jewelry Dept.Where she gets a set of diamond earrings.Let me tell you . . . she was so excited.She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck,but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis.I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
From where I was standing,the woman was purely aroused and completely sexually excited from all of this.You should have seen her face when she finally said, "Okay,honey,I'm done, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now. "
You should have seen her face . . . it went completely blank. Especially when I said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw 2005.
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This topic comprises 7 pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
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