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Author Topic: Gender Related "Men & Women" Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2004 07:46 AM                        Rated PG How to Impress A Woman Wine her, * Dine her; * Call her, * Hug her, * Support her, * Hold her, * Surprise her, * Compliment her, * Smile at her, * Listen to her, * Laugh with her, * Cry with her, * Romance her, * Encourage her, * Believe in her, * Pray with her, * Pray for her, * Cuddle with her, * Shop with her, * Give her jewelry, * Buy her flowers, * Hold her hand, * Write love letters to her, * Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her. How to impress a man: * Show up naked . Bring chicken wings ... Don't block the TV.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-31-2004 05:48 PM                        Rated G Two well-dressed, matronly women entered the business office and approached an executive. "Sir," said one, "we are soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?" "Sorry," replied the executive, "but I contribute directly."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2005 11:14 AM                        Rated PG This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2005 11:08 AM                        Rated G A man is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside. "Absolutely not", the woman says. "I never ask a guy to come in on the first date." "All right then", the man replies, "how about on the last date?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2005 01:52 PM                        Rated G Michele Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials. A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes. "Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated: "There are MEN in this place!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2005 12:39 PM                        Rated PG Women's humor: One day my housework-challenged my husband to decide to wash his sweatshirt.Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back,"University of North Carolina." And they say blondes are dumb... _______________________ A couple is lying in bed. The man says,"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says,"I'll miss you..." _______________________ "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. _______________________ Q: What do you call an intelligent,good looking,sensitive man? A: A rumor _______________________ A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! __________________ AND THE BEST ONE YET... A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: * She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. * Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. * Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. * Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. * And her husband is on the back of the milk carton A PRAYER.... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,I'll beat him to death. AMEN  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2005 11:53 AM                        Rated G A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling a little frisky but,true to his wife,goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin." She replies, "But I don't have a headache!" He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-16-2005 09:39 AM                        Rated PG A young couple were kissing passionately when, suddenly, the young man pulled back, smiled, and said, "Honey, I have your gum." She looked puzzled as she said, "But I wasn't chewing gum." Then the light dawned as she said, "But I have a cold."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:13 PM                        Rated G Janice When I was just beginng to take an interest in the opposite sex I remember my slightly prejudicial Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." Later on, as a young man,I learned the fallacy of that statement when it became quite apparent to me that I was having one hell of a hard time trying to please any of them.  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 06-21-2011 04:16 AM                 It has been 2292 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged Ian Parfrey Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1049 From: Imbil Australia 26 deg 27' 42.66" S 152 deg 42' 23.40" E Registered: Feb 2009 posted 06-21-2011 04:16 AM                     Rated MA I went to the doctor's the other day. I told her I needed her to take a look at my dick. She took a look and said, 'I can't see anything wrong with it. I said, 'I know. Isn't it a beauty?'  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 09-01-2014 02:44 PM                 It has been 1168 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-01-2014 02:44 PM                        Rated PG... Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 100 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next two hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 100 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. The moral of the story – “Pay your bills.”  |  IP: Logged

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