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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-19-2016 11:33 AM                        Rated G.... At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and speak, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking slowly toward the pastor. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-29-2016 01:49 PM                        Rated G..... SUPER BOWL TICKETS A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares, accommodation etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5pm. Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs, good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-02-2016 01:14 PM                        Rated R..... A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer." The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute? "Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year." "Poultry Farmer it is."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-25-2016 03:05 PM                        Rated G..... I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage." I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-12-2017 01:41 PM                        Rated G...... Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each." Billy Bob says to his pal, "Bubba... look here! We could buy gobs of these...take 'em back to Kentucky... sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Kentucky." They go in and Billy Bob says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ....." The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Kentucky ain't ya?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Billy Bob...."How come you knowed that?" "Because this here is a dry cleaners."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 05-17-2017 05:34 PM                        Rated G....... Suggested business mottos for United Airlines..... “Drag and Drop” “We put the hospital in hospitality” “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient” “Our prices can't be beaten, but our passengers can” “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class” “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating” “We treat you like we treat your luggage” “We beat the customer. Not the competition” “And you thought leg room was an issue” “Where voluntary is mandatory” “Fight or flight. We decide” “Now offering one free carry off” “Beating random customers since 2017” “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet” “A bloody good airline”  |  IP: Logged

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