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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-13-2009 09:55 AM                        Rated PG-13 eek: Jokester More Nastiness Q - What's the best form of birth control after 50? A - Nudity. Q - What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A - 45 minutes. Q - How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A - None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. Q - Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A - Because those men already have boyfriends. Q - What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A - After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q - What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A - The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q - What do you call a smart blonde? A - A golden retriever. Q - Why does the bride always wear white? A - Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and Refrigerator. Q - A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? A - The blonde, because she's 18. Q - Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A - Ask your Mom. Q - What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? A - Say, "Nice Dick." Q - Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? A - Because they have cotton balls. Q - What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A - A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Q - What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A - "Are you sure it's mine?" Q - What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? A - Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. Q - Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? A - Mace will do that to you. Q - Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? A - Everyone has the same DNA. Q - What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A - A speech impediment. Q - Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A - Breasts don't have eyes. Q - What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo? A - A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. Q - What's the Cuban National Anthem? A - Row row row your boat. Q - What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A - A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2009 08:57 AM                        Rated G Jokester Native American Eggs It was rumored that a particular Native American had a fantastic memory. Hundreds of people asked the Indian questions which he was able to answer. A skeptical young man set out to find this Indian. When he did, he thought he'd conduct a test. After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally his turn. He asked the Indian what he had had for breakfast 10 years ago. The Indian replied: "Eggs." The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no evidence to prove that the answer was correct. Ten years later the man comes across the Indian again. Very pleased to see him he greets him in the stereotypical "How." The Indian looks up at him, pauses for a moment and then replies: "Scrambled." Mary’s Eggs Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" enquired Mary. "Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like hmmm cauliflower cheese please", said Mary. "Certainly madam", he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes thank you", Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though. They really weren't that nice at all," Mary replied truthfully. "Oh, well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "OK I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out, paused a while, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is... "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2009 07:50 AM                        Rated G Answers Given By 2nd Grade School Children to the Following Questions!! Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother & not some other mom? 1. We're related 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's the difference between moms & dads? 1. Moms work at work and work at home& dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine. What does your mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2009 08:19 AM                        Rated G Jokester What does your mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. The Vocabulary of a Mother * Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order dessert. * Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. * Full Name: What you call your child when you're angry with him. * Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. * Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say. * Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into. * Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours. * Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house. * Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2009 08:22 AM                        Rated PG Jokester Mommy Jacqui After putting her children to bed, Jacqui changes into her old jeans and a worn out blouse and proceeds to wash her hair. As she hears the children getting more and more noisy in their bedroom, her tolerance grows thin. At last Jacqui wraps a towel around her wet head and storms into their room, putting them back to bed and giving them severe warnings. While leaving the room, she overhears her three-year-old say in a shaky voice, 'Who was "that"?' Factory Fight There were two factories in New York City. One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the "Mother Frockers." The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers." One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye. That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking fight you ever saw.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2009 08:25 AM                        Rated PG The Vocabulary of a Mother * Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order dessert. * Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. * Full Name: What you call your child when you're angry with him. * Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. * Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say. * Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into. * Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours. * Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house. * Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-26-2009 07:25 AM                        Rated PG Jokester How to Interpret Military Performance Reports AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse. WILL GO FAR: Related to management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-27-2009 12:52 PM                        Rated G Jokester Ways To Get Rid Of Stress · Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription you get and have them bill you later. · Use your Master Card to pay your Visa and vice-versa. · Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. · When someone says "have a nice day," tell them you have other plans. · Make a list of things to do that you have already done. · Do your assignments in binary code. · Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room. · Fill-out your tax form using Roman Numerals. · Make up a language and ask people for directions in it. · Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper. · Write a short story using alphabet soup. · Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. · Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. · Pay your electric bill in pennies. · Start a rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-21-2009 01:48 PM                        Rated PG On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman. "Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." "Can't." "OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded..."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-21-2010 11:58 AM                        Rated PG..... A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said, "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"  |  IP: Logged John Wilson Film God Posts: 5438 From: Sydney, Australia. Registered: Dec 1999 posted 04-29-2010 02:45 AM                     I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled, "Fuck me!!"  |  IP: Logged Jonathan Worthing Master Film Handler Posts: 384 From: Hereford, UK Registered: Apr 2001 posted 07-09-2010 10:38 AM                     Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants . . . . . . Killed by an oilslick caused by BP SpongeBob SquarePants  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 07-31-2010 01:26 PM                        Rated PG Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 02-02-2011 10:52 AM                        Rated PG... A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 08-19-2016 11:33 AM                 It has been 2025 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged

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