my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 3)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 04:37 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers English I Love You Spanish Te Amo French Je T'aime German lch Liebe Dich Japanese Ai Shite Imasu Italian Ti Amo Chinese Wo Ai Ni Swedish Jag Alskar Alabama Arkansas Kansas Oklahoma Texas North Carolina South Carolina Georgia Tennessee Idaho Missouri Mississippi Montana Louisiana Virginia West Virginia Kentucky Parts of Florida Nice Ass, Get in the truck.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 08:32 AM                        Rated G My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers. She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy,and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive.Do you know I paid 75¢ for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up: "I'll give you a dollar for it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 02:28 PM                        Rated G I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a pulled muscle in my lower back. As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the item. I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked "Do Not Bend."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2004 07:47 AM                        Rated G Michele The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY? It freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2004 07:49 AM                        Rated G B.B. "Show me a man who walks with his head held high, and I'll show you a man who hasn't gotten used to his bifocals." [ 05-09-2004, 03:24 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2004 03:24 AM                        Rated G During a blizzard I was crawling along in a line of cars on the local highway. Visibility was limited to a few feet, and I rolled my window down to see what was delaying us. Ahead, a police car with a flashing light was pulled up beside two cars with crumpled bumpers locked. Before them stood a rugged young policeman in shirt sleeves, efficiently signaling us around the wreck with a red flashlight. As I drew near, the window of a car going the opposite way rolled down, and a middle-aged woman thrust out her head. "Jo-Jo! Put on your jacket!" she commanded. The young officer winced. "Aw, Mom!" he protested. But seeing the determined set of her mouth, he reluctantly reached into his patrol car and drew out his trooper's jacket.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2004 01:06 PM                        Rated G "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Of course, you could do even better with a dead squirrel."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2004 01:08 PM                        Rated G What do you call 50,000 geeks playing Monopoly? Microsoft. The Irish jig got started because there aren't enough restrooms in the pubs. What's large, gray, and doesn't matter? An irrelephant. If you mix beans and onions, will you get tear gas? Female DNA to male DNA: "Do these genes make me look fat?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-11-2004 09:18 AM                        Rated G Jill in Washington D.C. One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my newborn daughter, chatting to her about the scenery. When a man and his dog approached, I leaned into the carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me. However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-11-2004 09:27 AM                        Rated G Will in Ohio The Top 13 Oscar Acceptance Speeches We'd Like to Hear 13. "I can really feel the love tonight -- apart from the venomous glares of the losers, that is." 12. "I'd like to thank my parents, for the deep psychological scars they inflicted which led me to seek out a career where I can get the empty, whore-like attention I so crave." 11. "Dude, was I in that movie? Man, maybe I really should be in rehab." 10. "And I'd like to thank the Church of Scientology, without whom I would have enough money that I wouldn't have had to make this movie in the first place." 9. "I'd like to thank Palm Beach County for designing this year's ballot..." 8. "I'd like to thank the Academy for this award -- but since I had to sleep with the guy from Price-Waterhouse..." 7. "I'm sure I'll appreciate the irony of this achievement three years from now, when I'm stuck doing 'Hollywood Squares' to pay the rent." 6. "And in closing, I'd like to invite Roger Ebert to bite me..." 5. "...and to my wife who stuck by me all these years: Sorry, Babe, but Oscar means a supermodel upgrade." 4. "Achieving this kind of success as an actor is a struggle. That's why I'd like you all to consider how much extra money you could be making as an Amway distributor..." 3. "...and most of all, this means no more blowing directors to get the good roles." 2. "I'd like to thank my boyfriend, Benjamin Brat for all his support, the director, Steven Soderbergh, for including me in this great project, and of course, Mephistopheles, Lord of the Hoary Netherworld, for my entire career." and the Number 1 Oscar Acceptance Speech We'd Like to Hear... 1. "I accept this award not just for me, but for *all* the dudes out there who occasionally lose their cars."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-17-2004 01:18 PM                        Rated G Dom One cannibal says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law". The other says in reply, "well, then try the mashed potatoes instead."  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 05-20-2004 04:32 AM                    Rated G A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Español?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y' know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 05-20-2004 05:17 AM                    Rated G A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!” “This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2004 01:39 PM                        Rated G A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!" The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands. Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2004 01:56 PM                        Rated G If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by automobile, one must call out "shotgun" in order to secure for him/herself the right-front passenger seat. This seat is obviously the most desirable. It offers such advantages as: * more leg room * own personal vanity mirror * ease of egress and ingress * social prestige * panoramic view * air-bag safety feature * better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs * rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of the horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins, another person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend off attacks from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen. The Rules 1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken leg, if she does not call "shotgun" first, her butt is going into the back seat. 2. If two people call "shotgun" at the same time, a fistfight will determine the ultimate winner, unless the contestants are girls. In that case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch them fight. A "pout-off" can be held instead. 3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (for fuel or potty stops, etc.), the "shotgun" passenger loses all of his/her rights, and open season on the coveted position begins again. 4. A "shotgun" winner must expect and be willing to put up with a large portion of physical harassment from the backseat "shotgun" loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation are all fully legal and come with the territory. 5. Pre-"shotgun" calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by worse that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress. 6. A "shotgun" call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically cancels out a "shotgun" call from anybody else.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.