|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-20-2004 11:02 AM
Rated R Michele
The Seven Dwarves of Menopause arrived at my door without warning: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried- Up.
One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life. The first to arrive was Itchy. I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.
Then Bitchy came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month-- it felt like constant PMS. Then I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy for God's sake, what was wrong with me? Ding-dong......It's the middle of the night and Sweaty has crawled into bed with me.
Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts.
Of course Sweaty brought about Sleepy, because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep.
Bloated crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight-loss program that had worked so well for so many years!
I can't quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came, and I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. Am I getting Alzheimer's I wondered?
Last, All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on the top of my list...or on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joe Perrault
Film Handler
Posts: 4
From: Oxford, MI, USA
Registered: Jul 2004
|
posted 07-31-2004 05:51 AM
![[Wink]](wink.gif) An ode to Christmas or as I like to call it Projmas!! Rated R (for language)
Enjoy!
“‘Twas the night before Projmas”
‘Twas the night before Projmas, when all through the booth
Victor was cussing; another gear broke a tooth.
The film loops were hung by number 20 with care,
In the hopes that St. Andy soon would be there.
The roaches were nestled all snug in their beds,
When I’m behind the stand I step on their heads.
Ryan in his ‘kerchief and Dave in his cap,
Had just run upstairs to fix a brain wrap.
When up from the high-side there arose such a clatter,
The projectionist said, “it’s just nineteen’s platter.”
Away to the proj booth I flew like a flash,
Ran into the door with a bone jarring crash.
Dave said to Vic “These feed plates sure blow.”
“What the fuck is wrong now, someone should call Joe.”
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But William C. Voight, with a case of cold beer.
With a handsome young driver, who makes the girls randy,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Andy.
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
And he screamed, and yelled and called them all names.
Now bitch-ass, now bastard, now slacker and bitchin,
On dumb-shit, on stupid, on cracker, I’m pissin!
From the top of the stairs down into the hall,
Throw away, throw away, throw away bulbs!
As boxes that before the wild manager fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, explode with a cry.
So up to the high-side the proj crew they flew
With a case full of beer and St. Andy too.
And then lots of clinking I heard in the booth
The laughing and calling “this beer’s 80 proof!”
As I moved the film cans and was turning around
Down 24’s stairs St. Andy came with a bound
He was dressed all in denim from his head to his foot
But his hands were all tarnished with gear lube and soot.
A bundle of film he had flung on his back
And he grimaced in pain when his shoulder went crack!
His knees how they crumbled! This moment quite scary!
The exact same thing once happened to Mary!
His fast moving mouth let the swearing just flow,
And the skin on his face was as white as the snow.
The list of the preshow he had in his teeth,
And a bruise on his shoulder he’d have for a week.
He had a tan face, and I’m told a flat belly,
And a pair of brown shoes that were really quite smelly.
He picked up the print from the top platter shelf,
And I thought when I saw him “why’d he move that himself?”
A tear in his eye and the tilt of his head,
Soon gave me the thought “cross-plexes I dread.”
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He did all the print moves; then turned with a jerk.
And wiping his hands on his now soiled clothes,
And flipping us off up to the low-side he rose.
He walked to the desk, to the proj gave a whistle,
And to the bar they flew like a bullet from a pistol.
But I heard him exclaim, as he walked out of sight,
Merry Projmas to all, and to all a good-night!
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joe Perrault
Film Handler
Posts: 4
From: Oxford, MI, USA
Registered: Jul 2004
|
posted 07-31-2004 05:58 AM
![[scream]](graemlins/scream.gif) My apologies to Mr. Poe.
The Raven with a projectionist twist.
“The Projman” (The raven by Poe)
Once upon a midnight dreary while I threaded weak and weary,
Over many a flat and scope volume of Pokemon 4.
While I nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my low side door.
“’Tis some manager,” I muttered, “tapping at my low side door-
“Only this, and nothing more.”
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dimmer light wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I sought to borrow
From my booth surcease of sorrow- sorrow for projector four-
For the tight and twisted brain wrap and the film upon the floor-
Splicing here for evermore.
And the dusty and uncertain rustling of each masking curtain
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now to still the spinning of my platter, I stood repeating,
“’Tis some manager entreating entrance at my low side door-
Some late manager entreating entrance at my low side door; -
This it is and nothing more.”
Moving film I grew stronger, it made my shift seem so much longer,
“Bill,” said I “or Ryan, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is four was wrapping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my low-side door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you”- here I opened wide the door; -
Film cans there and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there threading, starting,
Splicing, building films no mortals ever dared to build before;
But the silence was unbroken, and some kid just lost a token,
And the only words there spoken were the whispered words “projector four!”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the words “projector four!”-
Merely this, and nothing more.
Back into the low-side turning, I smelled some popcorn that was burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my porthole lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore-
Let my film be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
‘Tis the pipes and nothing more.”
Threading here I spun the shutter, when, with popcorn topped with butter,
In there stepped a stately projman of the projing days of yore;
Not the least of noises made he; in a minute threaded up three;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my bathroom door-
Perched upon a metal bracket just above my bathroom door-
Perched and sat and nothing more.
Then some radio words beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the red and black decorum of the uniform it wore.
“Though thy face be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “ art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient projman wandering from the high-side door-
Tell my what that preview’s name is on the film in 24!”
Quoth the projman, “brain wrap on four.”
Much I marveled his ungainly scowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning- little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blest with seeing him above his bathroom door-
Bird or beast upon the tandem roller above his bathroom door,
With such a name as “brain wrap on four.”
But the projman, sitting lonely on the tandem roller, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Eating popcorn that was buttered- not a curtain then he fluttered-
Till I scarcely more than muttered, “other bulbs have blown before-
On the morrow I will change three, as the bulb has blown before.”
Then the man said, “brain wrap on four.”
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what he utters is his only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy platter whom unmerciful Disaster
Brain wrapped fast and brain wrapped faster till his shift one burden bore-
Till the lenses that were scope that melancholy turret bore
Of ‘brain wrap- brain wrap on four’.”
But the projman still beguiling all my preshows into piling
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of man, and roller and door;
Then upon the bathroom stinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous man of yore
Meant in croaking “brain wrap on four.”
This I sat engaged in stressing, but no syllable expressing
To the man whose fiery eyes now burned into my preshow’s core;
This and more I sat rewinding, with the head and foot in frame for splicing
On the cushion’s vinyl lining that the lamplight gloated o’er,
But whose vinyl violet lining with the lamplight gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, brain wrap on four!
Then methought the air grew denser, controlled by some unseen sensor
Adjusted by Kim whose footfalls tinkled on the kiosk floor.
“Balls,” I cried, “thy proj hath bent thee- with these movies he hath sent thee
Respite- respite and nepenthe, from my memories of projector four!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind xekote and forget this lost projector four!
Quoth the projman, “brain wrap on four.”
“Usher!” said I, “thing of evil- usher still, if proj or devil!
Whether manager sent, or whether schedule put thee here before,
Desperate yet all undaunted, in this low-side booth enchanted-
On this print by horror haunted- tell me truly, I implore-
Is there- is there a new Tech ad? – tell me- tell me, I implore!”
Quoth the projman, “brain wrap on four.”
“Usher!” said I, “thing of evil- usher still, if proj or devil!
By that roller that bends above us- by that proj we both adore-
Tell this soul with sorrow laden, use the aperture to check framin’
It shall clasp a tainted system whom the projs name projector four-
Clasp a rare and tainted system whom the projs name projector four.”
Quoth the projman, “brain wrap on four.”
“Be that word our sign in parting, proj or fiend,” I shrieked, upstarting-
“Get thee back into the preshow and the film in twenty-four!
Leave no previews as a token or the splicer that is broken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the dust above my door!
Take thy tools from off my cart, and take thy form from off my door!”
Quoth the projman, “brain wrap on four.”
And the projman, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the roller used for tandems just above my bathroom door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my film from out the feed plate that lies crumpled on the floor
Shall be lifted- nevermore!
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 08-05-2004 01:44 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
The Philosophy of Steven Wright.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the comedian who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things much differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement.
Here are some more of his gems:
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
All times are Central (GMT -6:00)
|
This topic comprises 118 pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... 116 117 118
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic