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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2004 08:31 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Globalization .... At its best INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST! Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,on Japanese motorcycles;treated by an American doctor,using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American,using Bill Gates's technology,and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips,and a Korean monitor,assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant,transported by Indian lorry-drivers,hijacked by Indonesians,unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....That,my friends,is Globalization.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2004 09:58 PM                        Rated G Diane in Reno Definitions...funny thoughts ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually Me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion... openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-07-2004 09:06 AM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.Ca Got This one Today I HATE THOSE HOAX WARNINGS, BUT THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT!!! Please send this to everyone on your email list. If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your ass, do not show him your ass! This is a scam. He only wants to see your ass. I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2004 05:39 AM                        Rated PG SIGNS YOUR PET IS TAKING VIAGRA[/b] Let's just say the cat isn't always landing on its feet these days. Your Acura dealer called, asking where Mr. Furpants wants his new NSX delivered. The catching and toying with the field mice is still cute and all, but now you have to leave the room for the end of the game. Still waiting to greet you at the door when you arrive home from work, but now wears a French maid outfit. Stupid grin when Bob Dole/Britney Spears Pepsi commercial comes on. Instead of digging up your garden, your dachshund is *plowing* it. He's the only dog around wearing a velvet jacket and smoking a pipe. Fido throws in the extended-play Barry White CD before starting to hump your leg. Spot complains of headache and blue-tinted vision, despite being colorblind, then says, "But enough about me... how're *you* doin'?" Distinct rut in the gravel circling the plastic castle in the goldfish bowl. Flightless birds now include the ostrich, the emu, the penguin, and your parrot with the huge penis. The little diver at the bottom of the tank has his suit around his ankles and an exhausted smile on his face.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2004 04:51 AM                        Rated PG Denny in Yonkers Have a need for any of these? I do. The Dysfunctional side of a Hallmark Store. 1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.And now that you've come into my life... (Inside card) - I've changed my mind. 2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... - I never believed in Hell until I met you. 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am.... - That you're not here to ruin it for me. 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go.... - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. 5. Someday I hope to marry... - Someone other than you. 6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.... - Almost lifelike! 7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me... - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise. 8. We've been friends for a very long time... - What do you say we stop? 9. I'm so miserable without you... - It's almost like you're still here. 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.... - Did you ever find out who the father was? 11. You are such a good friend.If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often. 12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... - So we're having you put to sleep. 13. Happy Birthday,Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, West Va) 14. Looking back over the years we've been together,I can't help but wonder... - What was I thinking? 15. Congratulations on your wedding day!... - Too bad no one likes your husband.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2004 05:14 AM                        Rated G Michele I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2004 04:20 PM                        Rated G Q: How much money does the average alcholic spend on licquor every month? A: A staggering amount.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-29-2004 10:50 AM                        Rated G A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,"Hey,I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well,we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,but I'm fine now." "Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle.I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.My hand was cut off,I got fitted with a hook,I'm fine, really. "What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over,I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye." "You?re kidding," said the bartender, "You couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop!" "It was my first day with the hook."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-29-2004 10:54 AM                        Rated G A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to." He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand- writing.'?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-29-2004 11:05 AM                        Rated PG Michele It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!" "So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2004 06:06 AM                        Rated PG Definitions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect! that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2004 01:03 PM                        Rated G Michele MY PHILOSOPHY On HOUSECLEANING! I don't do windows because... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. I don't wax floors because... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. I don't mind the dust bunnies because... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. I don't disturb cobwebs because... I want every creature to have a home of their own. I don't Spring Clean because... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. I don't pull weeds in the garden because... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer. I don't put things away because... My husband will never be able to find them again. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner. I don't iron because... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". I don't stress much on anything because... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2004 01:25 PM                        Rated G Sally in Fresno A friend of mine used to spend summer vacations as a ranger at Lassen Volcanic National Park, Calif. He was on duty one morning when a tourist approached, gave a brief description of an unusual bird he had just seen and asked whether my friend could identify it. My friend replied, "No, I don't recognize the bird either, but I can help you.I have here a copy of Roger Tory Peterson's Field Guide to Western Birds." "That won't help," the tourist replied, "because that bird is not in there. I'm Roger Tory Peterson."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2004 09:59 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2004 10:48 AM                        Rated G Michele Only a Mother ~~ Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering "Nobody's Home." Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k." Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling Can have the empty roll...to make a Mother's Day present. Knows the location of every drive-through window in town. Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the dashboard. Will try to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie. Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a toddler... visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips with a big cream horn. Can cherish the 1,000th bleating of "Twinkle, Twinkle" from a budding violinist. Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers on her posterior. Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge. Knows all the verses to "This Old Man." Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer lint filter. Can find her last good pair of panty hose hitching a wagon to a tricycle. Knows the sure-fire way to get three kids to eat carrots... buy two carrots. Is limber enough to wrestle a fitted sheet onto the top bunk bed. Invests fifty dollars in stale macaroons to help send the French Club to Disneyland. Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night for a last- minute science project. Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her office desk phone. Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant. Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies. Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.  |  IP: Logged

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