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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-03-2004 10:06 AM                        Rated G She was only the wiskey maker's daughter, but he loved her still.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2004 01:54 PM                        Rated G Nan in Florida NEW ROCK AND ROLL RE-RELEASES Everybody is remaking their oldies hits! - Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker" - The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip" - The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone" - Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends" - Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts" - Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair" - Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now" - Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" - ABBA "Denture Queen" -Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver" -Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face" -Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom" - Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 04:57 AM                        Rated G Michele A woman, having walked all around the cemetery, complains to the caretaker, "I have looked all around, and can not find my husband's grave." "Oh? What name were you looking for?" "Itzic Finkelstein." "Hmmmm," says the caretaker, "must be a mistake somewhere.... The only Finkelstein we have is a Rashela Finkelstein..." "That is no mistake!" says Rashela. "Itzic has always put everything in my name!" Michele A woman, having walked all around the cemetery, complains to the caretaker, "I have looked all around, and can not find my husband's grave." "Oh? What name were you looking for?" "Itzic Finkelstein." "Hmmmm," says the caretaker, "must be a mistake somewhere.... The only Finkelstein we have is a Rashela Finkelstein..." "That is no mistake!" says Rashela. "Itzic has always put everything in my name!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 05:00 AM                        Rated G Congratulations were showered on Kaplan. His number 49 had won the top prize in the lottery. "Say Kaplan," asked Goldstein, "how did you happen to pick number 49?" "I saw it in a dream. Six sevens appeared and danced before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and that's all there was to it." "But six times seven is 42 not 49." "Hah?" Kaplan says..."All right professer, I von da lottery...so you be the mathematician!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 05:06 AM                        Rated G The setting sun was trailing a mantle of rose,lavender and gold across the western sky.I drove out of the parking lot and handed my ticket to the young attendant,saying,"Just look at that gorgeous sky!" She peered eagerly right and left,then asked, "Where, where?" "Up there," I told her, pointing skyward. "Oh," she said, crestfallen."I thought you said 'gorgeous guy!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 05:13 AM                        Rated G B.B. Life's unanswered questions.... If someone leads but no one follows... are they just out for a walk? Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them? Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? Why is it that normal people are the ones you don't know? Why is it that when our kids are naughty we ask "do you want a spanking?" What are they going to say, "Yes please, may I have two?"... Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts but have to put in your two cents worth? May I refuse to inherit the earth? Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 02:44 PM                        Rated G Michele I was reading how a female spider will eat the male spider after mating. I guess female spiders know that life insurance is easier to collect than child support.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2004 09:52 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, Tender Flake, Oh Tenderrrfllllake!" Soon a store clerk approached, "Sir, the baking goods are in aisle D " The old gentleman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the baking stuff I'm calling my wife." "Your wife's name is Tenderflake?" The old man answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call her that when were out in public." The store clerk asked, "Well, what do you call her when you are at home?" The old man replied, "Lard Ass."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:11 AM                        Rated G Michele See how many of these well known phrases you can recognize without the use of a dictionary or a thesaurus. 1. Scintillate, scintaillate, asteroid minific 2. Surveillance should precede caltation 3. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate 4. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity 5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid 6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude 7. The stylus is more potent than the scimitar 8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers 9. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion 10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees F. 11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly suriferous. 12. Where there are visible vapors having their prevalence in ingnited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. Answers: 1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star. 2. Look before you leap. 3. Birds of a feather flock together. 4. Beauty is only skin deep. 5. No use crying over spilt milk. 6. Cleanliness is next to godliness. 7. The pen is mightier than the sword. 8. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. 9. Spare the rod and spoil the child. 10. A watched pot never boils. 11. All that glitters is not gold. 12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:13 AM                        Rated G Jay Leno "Donald Duck just turned 66 years-old. Kind of a tough age. Now when you see him walking around without any pants on, you don’t know if he’s acting or if he just forgot."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:15 AM                        Rated G Bumper Snickers *Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it! *This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron. *This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet.. *Humpty-Dumpty was pushed! *Faster than a speeding ticket! *Adults are just kids with money. *T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female. *You are right where you belong, behind me! *YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move! *Keep honking, I am reloading! *They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine. *Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there. *Do unto others before they do unto you. *Was today really necessary? *The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train. *In theory, everything works. *Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. *Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION. *Nothing is illegal until you get caught. *Your lucky color has faded. *Too many freaks, not enough circuses! *A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. *The more I learn, the less I understand. *Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:29 AM                        Rated G Michele Feeling footloose and frisky, a featherbrained fellow forced his father to fork over his farthings. Fast he flew to foreign fields and frittered his family's fortune, feasting fabulously with floozies and faithless friends. Flooded with flattery he financed a full-fledged fling of "funny foam" and fast food. Fleeced by his fellows in folly, facing famine, and feeling faintly fuzzy, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy foreign farmyard. Feeling frail and fairly famished, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments. "Fooey," he figured, "my father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, facing the facts. Finally, frustrated from failure and filled with foreboding (but following his feelings) he fled from the filthy foreign farmyard. Faraway, the father focused on the fretful familiar form in the field and flew to him and fondly flung his forearms around the fatigued fugitive. Falling at his father's feet, the fugitive floundered forlornly, "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor." Finally, the faithful Father, forbidding and forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast. Faithfully, the father's first-born was in a fertile field fixing fences while father and fugitive were feeling festive. The foreman felt fantastic as he flashed the fortunate news of a familiar family face that had forsaken fatal foolishness. Forty-four feet from the farmhouse the first-born found a farmhand fixing a fatling. Frowning and finding fault, he found father and fumed, "Floozies and foam from frittered family funds and you fix a feast following the fugitive's folderol?" The first-born's fury flashed, but fussing was futile. The frugal first-born felt it was fitting to feel "favored" for his faithfulness and fidelity to family, father, and farm. In foolhardy fashion, he faulted the father for failing to furnish a fatling and feast for his friends. His folly was not in feeling fit for feast and fatling for friends; rather his flaw was in his feeling about the fairness of the festival for the found fugitive. His fundamental fallacy was a fixation on favoritism, not forgiveness. Any focus on feeling "favored" will fester and friction will force the faded facade to fall. Frankly, the father felt the frigid first-born's frugality of forgiveness was formidable and frightful. But the father's former faithful fortitude and fearless forbearance to forgive both fugitive and first-born flourishes. The farsighted father figured, "Such fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity for the fugitive that is found? Unfurl the flags and finery, let fun and frolic freely flow. Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken. Forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortune." Four facets of the father's fathomless fondness for faltering fugitives are: 1) Forgiveness, 2) Forever faithful friendship, 3) Fadeless love, and 4) A facility for forgetting flaws.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:40 AM                        Rated G Will The Top 20 Slogans for Legalized Marijuana 20. Got Buzz? 19. Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All 18. A Day Without Pot is Like School 17. Weed My Lips! 16. Hey, America -- Let's Blow This joint! 15. What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway? 14. Obey Your Jones 13. Hemp: The world's practical solution to making, like, paper and rope and necklaces and stuff 12. It's Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore! 11. Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime 10. Official Sponsor of the NBA 9. Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi... Dude! I totally f***ed that up! 8. Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke 7. This is your brain. This is your brain on pot. This is your brain desperately searching for Doritos. 6. When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at Your Hand? 5. SMOKE POT! (Did we just say that out loud? Or did we just think it?) 4. Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads 3. Just Doob It 2. It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie so-you-can-get-high medicine. and the Number 1 Slogan for Legalized Marijuana... 1. Skull-Shaped Bong: $12.00 Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $125.00 Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies: Priceless  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:42 AM                        Rated G Michele Do you know the worst place to be in a major earthquake? In a hospital operating room getting a vasectomy. Do you know the best place to be? A Hooters restaurant.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:57 AM                        Rated G Michele An old friend of mine was fairly mild-mannered and her speech was always clean. I was driving (we were probably on our way to the movies), and someone cut me off. In her way, she cursed him by sternly saying, "I hope it rains all over his parade."  |  IP: Logged

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