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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2006 08:09 AM                        Rated G B.B. MORE of OUR FAVORITE PICK-UP LINES Your eyes are the color of my Porsche. Hi, my name is Mark Gates. Maybe you know my dad, Bill? If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call "fine print"! Excuse me, do you have any raisins? No? How about a date? If God made a woman more beautiful than you, I hope He kept her for Himself.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2006 04:56 PM                        Rated G You Know You're Rich When... The words "On Sale" no longer attract your interest, unless they're referring to a country. You forbid your children to shop anywhere without valet parking. Being frugal means buying "one" diamond bracelet instead of two. You have people. As in, "I'll have my people call your people." Your hardest decision all day is whether to put marble or hardwood floors in your child's tree house. Your children play MonopolyR with real money.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2006 04:58 PM                        Rated G CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."(Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10) PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER: "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8) SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU: "Don't do things like have smelly,green sneakers.You might get attention,but attention ain't the same thing as love."(Alonzo, 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me" (Bart, 9) HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food," (Brad, 8) "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire."(Christine, 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS: "You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE: "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."(Tom,7) "Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger, 8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2006 05:13 PM                        Rated G EARTHQUAKE SAFETY Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake: Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so." To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things. Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time. Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left. Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now! A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways. Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes. In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table, or your boss. If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2006 09:52 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti I was reading something about Penthouse Pet of the Year the other day. That's a dubious title, isn't it? Pet of the year. What do you have to do to get that, go on the paper? ~Elayne Boosler~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2006 10:00 AM                        Rated G Gerry Words of Wisdom: When on the road make sure you keep your eyes peeled for two things - red lights and green drivers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2006 10:23 AM                        Rated G "It was gone, maybe you didn't even know it was gone, but now it's back, I'm talking about the Miss America pageant. Everybody has Miss America fever. In fact, earlier today, President Bush promised to rebuild Miss Louisiana." --David Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2006 10:33 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Q: What are the odds of getting four of a kind in a five-card deal in poker? A: The odds are 1 to 4,164.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 02:02 PM                        Rated G Vicky A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will definitely annoy so many people that it will be worth the effort.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 02:25 PM                        Rated G The Legend of Groundhog’s Day On Groundhog’s Day, we follow legend Our eyes look to the ground For a sleepy little woodchuck In Punxsutawney town. If Phil Hill, the brown haired critter Comes out into the light And quickly sees his shadow He’ll bounce back out of sight. He’ll slip into his burrow For spring is far away Six more weeks of winter The price that we will pay. But should the day be cloudy Ole Phil Hill will wander out With spring around the corner He’ll spread the news about. Tis fun to follow legend It brightens up our day To think the bliss of springtime Is not that far away. Thank You Mr. Hill our own Phil  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 02:39 PM                        Rated G B>B> More Daffynitions Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 08:34 PM                        Rated R 10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:* ** *1.*Elvis is dead 2.Jesus was not white 3.Rap music is here to stay 4.Kissing your pet is not cute or clean 5.Skinny does not equal sexy 6.Thomas Jefferson had black children 7.A 5 year old child is to big for a stroller 8.N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5 9.An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line 10.Having your children curse you out in public is not normal. *10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:* ** *1.*Hickey's are not attractive 2.Chicken is food, not a roommate 3.Jesus is not a name for your son 4.Your country's flag is not a car decoration 5.Maria is a name but not for every other daughter 6." Jump out and run " is not in any insurance policies 7.10 people to a car is considered too many 8.Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fasion statement 9.Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family 10.Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal. *10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:* ** *1. *O.J. did it 2.Tupac is dead 3.Teeth should not be decorated 4.Weddings should start on time 5.Your pastor doesn't know everything 6.Jesse Jackson will never be President 7.*Red* is not a kool-aid flavor, it's a color 8.Church does not require expensive clothes 9.Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away 10.Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 10:12 AM                        Rated G B.B. "I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 10:24 AM                        Rated G Betsy Two elderly ladies, encountering Samuel Johnson soon after the publication of his famous dictionary, complimented him for having omitted gross, indelicate and objectionable words. "What, my dears!" said Dr. Johnson, "Have you been searching for them?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 10:32 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti SIGNS FOUND HANGING ON THE DOORS OF... An Astronaut: OUT TO LAUNCH A fencing instructor: OUT TO LUNGE A nuclear Scientist: GONE FISSION A music Teacher: GONE CHOPIN, BE BACH SOON A dance instructor: BACK IN A MINUET A car mechanic: ON A BRAKE A chiropractor: BE RIGHT, BACK! A surgeon: JUST CUT OUT A dog trainer: WILL RETURN IN FIVE MINUTES. SIT. STAY. A nudist colony: WE'RE NEVER CLOTHED A dentist: OPEN WIDE  |  IP: Logged

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