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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-05-2005 11:47 AM                        Rated G From an article in the Sheboygan, Wis., LAKESHORE WEEKLY: "Wind Mill Woodworking Inc., a manufacturer of slat wall, processed panels, and component parts, celebrated the construction of 14,400 additional square feet of whorehouse space with an open house.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-05-2005 11:49 AM                        Rated G The Top 5 Euphemisms for Wasting Time 5. Shampooing the toupee. 4. Heading the Democratic National Committee 3. Compiling data on the utility of co-managed project workflow vis-a-vis transitioning material from a pre-final phase into an infra-final... is he gone yet? 2. Tutoring Paris. and the Number 1 Euphemism for Wasting Time... 1. Kissing the Inflate-a-date.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2005 11:07 AM                        Rated G B.B. ~ Diva's Prayer ~ Armani Which Art in Hermes Hallowed be thy Gucci Thy Cartier watch Thy Prada bag on Rodeo As it is in Tiffany's Give us this day, our Visa Gold And forgive us this overdraft As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard Lead us not into JC Penney And deliver us from Sears For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier and the Versace For Dolce and Gabbana Amex  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2005 11:16 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba CHEER UP! There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a hamstring in one of those sissy aerobics classes. CHEER UP! Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your knuckles with a ruler? She's 75 years old now, and she has arthritis. CHEER UP! If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone. Don't forget that even Popeye was two-timed by Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!) CHEER UP! The worse things get,...the less you have to lose! CHEER UP! You'll be happy to know that your local newspaper is made of 50% recycled material. (That's 1% recycled paper; 49% recycled news articles.) CHEER UP! Miss Manners has finally been discredited. It's rude to tell other people what to do! CHEER UP! Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban housewife backs the family car through the garage door. CHEER UP! No matter how bad things get, your folks still have your old bedroom ready, and you're welcome to go back home. CHEER UP! The time you spent reading this joke could've been spent more productively. But you're not bothered because you're one of those well-adjusted people who really doesn't give a darn.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2005 02:34 PM                        Rated G Alfred Did You Know? . . . . . At one time or another we have all probably tuned our televisions to the Weather Channel to catch the latest update, or to see what the weather is doing in other parts of the country. You no doubt then, have seen weather reporter, Jim Cantore telling us all about the latest hurricane, flooding, or snowstorm wherever it's occurring at the moment. But did you know Jim has his own 'storms' going on in his life? His wife is dealing with Parkinson's disease since 1997. (they were married in 1990) They have two children, Ben & Christina. They both suffer from something called Fragile X Syndrome, a disorder that affects the X chromosome and causes cognitive and behavioral problems. Jim's wife was a silent carrier. So now you know Jim's 'own storm story.' Everyone has at least one. Jim says, "Even with the stormy times, I find my life very fulfilling in many ways. Truth is, none of us can nail the forecast in life every time. But we can remember a time long ago when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and how Noah and his family must have felt when that first ray of sunshine hit the Ark. The sun will always shine after the storm. You just have to look for it. I won't say that the sky is always sunny, because many times it isn't. Come hurricane season, I know people won't want to see me on their coastlines. But if history holds, I know I will see 4 things. There will be adversity, but more important there will be heroism, triumph, and hope. How do I know? Trust me... I'm a weatherman!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2005 02:37 PM                        Rated G Let's Face Reality... It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. You can learn many things from children ... like how much patience you have. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid. There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going. The best thing to spend on your children is time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2005 02:42 PM                        Rated G Douglas ALCOHOL ALWAYS LIED TO ME... I Drank for Courage...and woke up night after night horrified. I Drank for Sophistication...and became crude. I Drank to find Peace...and ignited a war within myself. I Drank to be Friendly...and became argumentative and nasty. I Drank to be Sexy...and turned people off. I Drank so that I could Relate to Others...and I babbled. I Drank to put down Loneliness...and found myself retreating more and more into my shell. I Drank to Relax...and woke up tense. I Drank to be Entertaining...and became an obnoxious clown. I Drank to Live More Fully...and contemplated suicide. I Drank for Adventure...and discovered disaster. I Drank to be more Honest...and insulted my friends. I Drank to Quiet my Nerves...and woke up with hangover jangles. I Drank to Feel Better...and ended up sick and throwing up. I Drank to have Fun...and passed out in the middle of the party. I Drank to Pep Myself Up...and ended up exhausted. I Drank to feel Successful...a Big Shot...but ended up a failure. I Drank for Security...and became afraid of my shadow. I Drank to Feel Better about Myself...and ended up hating me. I Drank to prove I could handle Alcohol...and ended up knowing it controlled me. A Friend asked..."But surely, now that you've been sober awhile, it would take a lot of alcohol to put you back in that condition." "Just One Drink," I answered! ~Author Unknown~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2005 08:10 PM                        Rated G Betsy There will always be two kinds of people: those who say what they think, and those who keep their friends.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2005 08:16 PM                        Rated G My sister Denise, a nurse, had just finished a 12-hour shift and was now at home sleeping. My brother, meanwhile, was renovating our kitchen. To knock down a concrete wall, he used a sledgehammer and an electric saw. When the wall finally came down, it did so with a crash that shook the whole house. Denise slept through it all. A few hours later, she stumbled out of the bedroom. "I couldn't sleep," she complained. "There's a cricket right outside the window making a terrible racket!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2005 08:29 PM                        Rated G A TEENAGER Is... A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study. An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud. A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother. A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2005 08:38 PM                        Rated G Signs You're at a Bad National Park The only pictures Ansel Adams took of it were from inside the women's shower. Joe Camel subbing for vacationing Smokey the Bear. Extremely troubled Head Ranger who blames anything that goes wrong on Scott Baio. A $20 cover and you still gotta pay extra for the lap dances. Malnourished bears holding signs that read, "Will caper amusingly for food." According to posted signs, not only may you feed the animals, but afterward, you have a right to expect them to put out. Pauly Shore's face is carved into the side of "Mount Paymore." Bears not only take your picnic basket at gunpoint, but also make off with your Ford Explorer. Your view of the scenery is blocked by reactor units #2 and #3. "Here we see the oldest mobile home formations in the entire White Trash National Park." Waterfalls seem to lose some of their majestic power whenever someone flushes a toilet. Proudly proclaims, "100 percent Spotted Owl Free!" When a squirrel runs by, park ranger bolts, screaming, "Run!! Run for your lives!!" Every couple hundred feet along the hiking trails -- another Starbucks. "Old Faithful" turns out to be a vacationing Frank Gifford. On the tour, you see more of the Grand Crack in the ranger's ass than you do of the canyon.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2005 02:48 PM                        Rated G HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them.. That is why you pay him/her. 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop," And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is God. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If you don't send this to at least one person, your nose will fall off.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2005 12:01 PM                        Rated G WARNING: Do not eat natural foods. I use to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2005 12:06 PM                        Rated G What people were saying in 1959 "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, iot's going to be impossible to buy a weeks grocery's for $20." "Have you seen the new cars coming out? It won't be long before $5000.00 will only buy a used one." "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is rediculous." "If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00 , nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." "When I forst started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since Clark Gable said 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind', it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?" "I never thought I would see the day all our kitchen appliences would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." "I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me,they won't be able to sit for a week." "Did you know that the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service." "The drive up restaurant is convienient in nice weather, but I serious doubt it will catch on." "There is no sence going to Omaha or Lincoln anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel." "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country thats fine, but nothing ever will replace trains." "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee up to 15 cents a cup, I'll just have to drink mine at home." "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget about it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair." THOSE WERE THE DAYS.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2005 03:00 PM                        Rated G Headlines From The Year 2050 Court clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly Charges. 50 Year Study: Diet and excercise Key to weight loss. Baby conceived naturally It wasn't the cigarettes - it was the Ashtrays Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bankok Slums Overcame Lurid Past with US President Florida to be Readmitted to Union Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith 83, Weds handsome young actor Construction begins on Grenada War Memorial Baltimore Rams defeat St. Louis Ravens Pope Phil ll settles Custody Battle with Ex Wife. Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants Younger Generations Music Provokes Outrage of Elders Authentic Year 200 Chad sells for 6.9 milloion at Sotheby's  |  IP: Logged

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