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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 11:50 AM                        Rated G What do you give a man who has everything? Antibiotics.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 01:30 PM                        Rated G "Your too good for him" - Sign over mirror in ladies restroom. Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, Ca. "No wonder you always go home alone." - Sign over mirror in Mens restroom. Ed Devevic's, Beverly Hills, Ca.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 01:41 PM                        Rated G BOB'S MG I was driving the other day and came up on a VW Beetle with a license plate reading 'BOBS MG'. I was able to pull up beside the car at the next light, so I said to the driver, "Hey, that's not an MG." The driver looked over at me and said, "I'm not Bob."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 01:52 PM                        Rated G New Definitions for 2006 Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other. Divorce : Future tense of marriage. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 02:57 PM                        Rated G B.B. A very small boy was in New York City for the first time. His father took him on an elevator to the top of a skyscraper. After they had shot skyward thirty stories at breathtaking speed, the little boy asked timidly, "Daddy, does God know we're coming?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 02:59 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?' 'No' was the reply. 'Shame, it's his birthday.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 03:01 PM                        Rated G B.B. "A DUMMIES' GUIDE TO LIFE" Never throw a brick straight up. Don't take long naps while driving. Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them. Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more. When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot. No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo. When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end. When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks" there is no need to report it on your income tax return. April 1st is Your special high holy day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 03:07 PM                        Rated G Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me. An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs. When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience. The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows. What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"? If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way. 18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you. Today is the last day of your life, so far. No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions. People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public. One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in. I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck. No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it. The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around. Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 03:11 PM                        Rated G The Top 6 Dishes Prepared With Household Pets 6. Cat Soup {Put in for Rachel) 5. Chicken Poodle Soup 4. Turtlellini 3. Lhasa Thermidor 2. Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas and the number 1 dish prepared with household pets... 1. I'll-Teach-You-to-Pee-on-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-14-2005 05:42 AM                        Rated G Michele BEST out of office messages: 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 7. I've run away to join a different circus. 8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-14-2005 05:48 AM                        Rated G OFFICE SIGN "In case of fire, leave the building with the same reckless abandon that you do at quitting time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-14-2005 05:49 AM                        Rated G COMMERCIALS NOT SHOWN ON TV: 'Try new Liquid Plumber Facial Cream. Remember, if it will unclog your sink, it will certainly unclog your nose. 'Remember, Schlegelmichman's Soap, the brand you can't spell backwards or forwards.' 'We're not the Breakfast of Champions. We're the breakfast for kids who just want to reach the semi-finals or get the good- sportsmanship award.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-14-2005 06:09 AM                        Rated G Maggie We're here for a moment in time and then we're gone. Why waste one second on self-pity, frustration, irritation, and all the rest?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-14-2005 06:46 AM                        Rated G Diane in Reno What Are Friends For! Are you tired of all those namby, pamby, girly,sissy,completely wet "friendship" poems that never come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speak to true friendship: 1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way. 2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex. 4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be to stop your bloody whining.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-16-2005 04:26 PM                        Rated G It’s All In Your Mind.... I took my fingers and slowly, and gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white.I licked it once, twice..I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it.There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy.I was done.And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies. I squeezed it gently at first, then a little bit harder. There seemed to be more and more of itI moved it towards my lips. It was a strange and new sensation for me. I put it in my mouth and moved it around and around with my tongue.The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out. It was quite an experience. The 1st time I tasted toothpaste. MORAL??? It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.  |  IP: Logged

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