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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 09:02 AM                        Rated G City streets aren't safe to walk on.Cars are being stolen at a rapid clip.Homes are burglarized. The air around us is poisoned. But thanks to advertising, our underarms are fully protected.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 09:31 AM                        Rated G Viagra vs Marijuana" Two Viagra pills walk into a bar and sit next to two Marijuana plants. The marijuana plants are lamenting about being illegal. The Viagra pills scoff at them. One Marijuana plant turns to the Viagra pills and asks, "Don't you think we should be legal?" "No," said the Viagra pills, "We are hard on drugs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 09:36 AM                        Rated G There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him. "No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 09:46 AM                        Rated G What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 09:48 AM                        Rated G Why did the Amish wife apply for a divorce?... Because Her husband was driving her buggy!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 09:55 AM                        Rated PG Things NOT To Do In The Nude: • Fry bacon • Slide into home plate • Arc weld • Wrestling • Bathe a cat • Sit on an ant hill • Play hockey • Operate a weed wacker • Clear a patch of poison ivy • Present a children's television show • Make a snow angel • Insulate the attic with fiberglass • Bullriding or Bullfighting • Operate a lathe • BBQ • Parachuting • Chop firewood • Beekeeping • Hop over a picket fence • Crawl through a barbed wire fence • Train an attack dog • Pick up a dime from a San Francisco sidewalk  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 10:00 AM                        Rated PG As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the calm balmy night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... You sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. My body still shows marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... As soon as you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear. Won't rest until I squeeze your blood out of you...You Damn Mosquito.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 03:30 PM                        Rated G Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated? I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to make a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea. "Why, your such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea." "Oh, yes" the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the fly swatter." "You what?" And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new fly swatter. I used the old one."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 03:31 PM                        Rated G Ben Franklin invented bifocal lenses, the furnace stove, and even invented the very first device that harnessed electricity. Judging from his picture, it looks like he invented the comb-over, too.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2005 12:57 PM                        Rated PG You know how, in the olden days, you were named for what you did? For instance, if you were a blacksmith, your last name would be Smith, if you were a baker, your last name was Baker. It kind of makes me wonder what John Hancock's ancestors did for a living.  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 08-24-2005 02:47 PM                     Rated G 24,000/3=? OK let's "calculate" it... "3" doesn't fit the "2" but the "4"... So the line would be following: 24,000/3=1... Now I also drop the "2" that we skipped right before: 24,000/3=1... 21 Rest 3 fits 7 times in 21. 24,000/3=17,000 Now let's prove if the calclation is right. 17,000 17,000 17,000 ------ __,000 7 + 7 = 14; 14 + 7 = 21; plus the three "1" equals 24! 17,000 17,000 17,000 ------ 24,000 Bottom line: Perfect calculation!  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 08-24-2005 03:02 PM                     Rated G A man stumbles down the road - of course totally alcoholized. He meets the president of the club "anti-alcohol". He sees the totally alcoholized man and decides to talk to him. "Hello, you did drink some beers didn't you?" - "W...well... gooood beeeers... hic" - "Aren't you ashamed? Spending all your money you earn?? How much do you drink a day?" - "Till ... I am ... hic... stufffffed.... but goooood" - "Well you should be ashamed! Look at that skyscraper! That could be yours if you didn't drink!" - "Oh... is that building.... hic.... yoursss?" - "No" - "Oh i wwas jusst wondering... hic... this is mine!"  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 08-24-2005 03:33 PM                     Rated PG In a elementary school there is an inspection. The inspector sits down in the last row just behind Bob. The teacher (female) writes on the blackboard "TODAY THE WEATHER IS FINE". She asks: Now who of you kids is going to read that? Bob: Me, Miss Wormwood. Teacher: Ok start reading Bob. Bob: The teacher has big tits! Teacher (embarrassed): No Bob that is the wrong answer. Bob turns around and yells: Well Mr. Inspector, if you can't read, you ought not tell me some wrong answer!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2005 04:21 PM                        Rated PG George How ugly is she? ...She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure. ...As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog. ...Even mosquitoes stay away from her. ...She startles the animals at the zoo. ...On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone. ...She makes onions cry. ..Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds. ...Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock. ...The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail. ...When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2005 04:24 PM                        Rated G Bad Habits A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another. The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?" "Four." "How long have you been smoking?" "Thirty years." "That's over six thousand packs. If you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building." The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?" "Never." "Do you own this building?" "No." "Well, I do."  |  IP: Logged

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