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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-07-2005 10:23 PM                        Rated G Betsy There are tall people, short people, skinny people, and fat people, and every one of them would like to get his hands on the manufacturer who claims, "One size fits all."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-07-2005 10:25 PM                        Rated G Betsy My friend was enjoying his new car's sound system, driving with the volume way up. At a traffic light he heard a shout, "Hey, do you mind?" Beside him was a young man in an open convertible. He pointed to an object in his hand and said, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2005 01:41 AM                        Rated G JT Queston: How do amoebas keep in touch? Answer: With cell phones.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2005 10:12 AM                        Rated G Sheila "I just got back from Vegas. I was very excited. I was working the Riviera. The big thrill is to go out and see your name on the marquee. And I went out to look at my name, and it said, "Riviera . . . Sheila Kay . . . Craps in the Lounge."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 09:40 AM                        Rated G When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it." A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom." "Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 09:48 AM                        Rated G Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc. Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?" "I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 09:56 AM                        Rated G B.B. Just Think About This! My boss and I had a battle of wits but he ran out of ammunition. Beauty is only skin deep but stupid goes right to the bone.Don't worry, make someone else worry instead. "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." ~ A.Whitney Brown "What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary." ~Richard Harkness, N.Y.Times,1960  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 10:00 AM                        Rated G THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!] Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 10:10 AM                        Rated G B.B. "Age to women is like kryptonite to Superman." "Home wasn't built in a day." "Some folks are wise and some otherwise." "God writes a lot of comedy ... the trouble is he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny." "Start every day with a smile and get it over with." (W.C. Fields) "Pretty much all the truth telling there is in the world is done by children." (Oliver Wendell Holmes)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2005 08:03 AM                        Rated G Albert Einstein was once introduced to the eighteen-month-old son of a young friend. The infant looked into the old physicist's wizened face and promptly began to bawl. "You're the first person for years," Einstein declared, patting the child on the head, "who has told me what you really think of me."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-11-2005 12:42 PM                        Rated PG A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No. What do you mean?" "You must be new here," she says. "Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Finished, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the nudist colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady," the man replies, "I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2005 08:25 AM                        Rated PG Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2005 02:23 AM                        Rated G Quirk Five black men in purple dinner jackets and bow ties were found floating today under a pier in New Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumor has it they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-14-2005 06:50 AM                        Rated G B.B. Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California? It's 'cause their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-14-2005 06:53 AM                        Rated G Bruce If big boobed women work at Hooters Where do one legged women work?? . . . . . I HOP!  |  IP: Logged

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