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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-19-2005 09:08 AM

Rated G

The sign on the escalator door read, "This escalator is out of whack."

By the next day someone used a crayon to add "More whack is on order." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-19-2005 02:54 PM

Rated G

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Florida. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver... "Say, is this really a healthful place?"

"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said the tourist , "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-19-2005 09:34 PM

Rated G

One day my sister,who is a seamstress and a busy working mother with four children, drove past a patrol car in the small town where she lives. The patrol car did a quick U-turn, its flashing lights came on and it pulled up behind her.

As she had been driving the speed limit, she couldn't imagine why she was being stopped.

The officer approached her window and said: "You're a hard lady to catch at home. I was wondering if you'd hem a pair of uniform pants for me?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-19-2005 09:37 PM

Rated G Spaz

Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows who had been rivals all their lives followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.

As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport. The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly, “Oh SkyCap, from what pier is the flight to Dallas leaving?”

The Admiral approached, bowed, and said, “Pier 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition?” [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2005 06:33 AM

Rated G

Tristan Bernard once won a newspaper competition by providing the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre and you could save only one painting, which would it be?"

His answer? "The one nearest the exit!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2005 07:12 AM

Rated G Gerry

I'm definitely a precrastinator...a procastineater...a precrestinater ...Someday I'm going to learn how to spell that word. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2005 07:40 AM

Rated G Denny in Yonkers

Hello,I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache,shake,and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg me to stop .

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I finish with you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2005 04:35 PM

Rated G

Original 'Out Of Office' Auto Replies

11. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

10. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

9. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to upper management.

8. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from vacation on 01/05. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

7. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (the beauty of this is that when your return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

5. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

4. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

3. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

2. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE!!

1. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Loretta" instead of "Steve". [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2005 04:36 PM

Rated G B.B.

You've been watching too much TV when...

- you find a rerun of the OJ trial interesting.

~ you think Bravo has quality programming.

~ you only eat food that has been shown in commercials.

~ you watch soap operas and think they have quality writers.

~ you wish you could star in an infomercial.

~ your kids grow up thinking the only thing you can say is "shh, be quiet!"

~ you don't think Bart Simpson is bad, just misunderstood.

~ you were able to get a high school diploma by watching homework hotline.

~ you start recognizing extras in movies.

~ Guinness gives you a world record.

~ you've actually seen a politician say something intelligent in an interview.

~ you contemplate suicide when cable goes out.

~ the snow becomes interesting.

~ you send fan mail to cartoon characters.

~ you think the reason people in the third world are suffering because they don't have TVs.

~ you can understand what is going on the scrambled channels. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2005 04:45 PM

Rated G

While visiting Henry Ward Beecher one day, Robert Ingersoll noticed a beautiful globe depicting the various constellations and stars of the heavens.

Ingersoll asked his host who had made it. "Who made it?"

Beecher replied, seizing the opportunity to attack his guest's well-known agnosticism."Why, nobody made it. It just happened!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2005 05:01 PM

Rated G

Having just completed my training as the hospital's switchboard operator, I was reasonably confident that I knew all the codes for emergencies: Code Blue for cardiac arrest, Code Red for fire, etc.

My first night on the job alone, however, a nurse phoned and asked me to page a "Code Brown, Room 214."

I had no idea what that was. I called the page, then searched frantically through my emergency manual, but I couldn't find any description of it anywhere.

Stumped, I finally called the nurse back and asked her about it.

"Relax," laughed the nurse. "Code Brown is what us nurses page when a patient is discharged and leaves behind an unfinished box of chocolates!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2005 05:03 PM

Rated G

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at night and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2005 05:04 PM

Rated G

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"

The average reaction to a car accident is "Oh Shit!!" In Texas it's "Hold my beer, watch this!!!!".

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose- fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why do you have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!"

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2005 09:17 PM

Rated PG

Things that might've been funny if comedian Steve Wright had said them...

A metaphor is like a simile.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

I bought a portable cable tv.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5," but I can't find the first four anywhere.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2005 09:22 PM

Rated R - P. Inglis, Waterloo Ontario Canada.

Let's:

...make like a tree and leave.
...make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
...make like a bird and flock off
...make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
...make like a banana and split.
...make like a missile and cruise.
...make like a fetus and head out.
...make like a baby and head out.
...make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
...make like a drum and beat it.
...make like a drummer and beat it.
...make like a bee and buzz off.
...make like Diarrhea and run
...make like a tire and hit the road
...make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
...make like a terrorist and blow this place.
...make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
...make like a douche and get the fuck out of there.
...make like a strawberry and jam.
...make like traffic and jam.
...make like stockings and run.
...make like a sock and run.
...make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
...make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta' here.
...make like a bread truck and haul buns.
...make like a Bakery truck and Move your buns.
We're off like a prom dress!!!
...make like a prom dress and take off.
We're off like pants in the dark.
...make like the devil and get the hell out of here.
...make like the Red Sea and split.
...make like the Red Sea and part.
...make like a banana in the presence of ice cream and split
...make like an amoeba and split...!
...make like the wind and blow.
...make like a tomato and Ketch-up.
...make like a driver and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a teamster and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a hippy and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like the Dead and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like lightning and bolt.
...make like a Nut and Bolt.
...make like a rectum and get the sh*t out of here.
...make like a donkey's d!ck and hit the road.
...make like [insert name of unpopular politician or personality] and blow.
...make like Michael Jackson and "Beat it!"
...make like a hippy and blow this place.
...make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
...make like Tom and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Pick Ass Off here. (?)
...make like a Hewlett Packard Laser Printer and jet.
...make like a jacket and zip.
...make like a magnet and flux off.
...make like Levi's and fade away.
...make like a bowel, and move.
...make like a tie and hang around some more.
...make like a botanist and leaf.
...make like a dog and flea.
...make like a register and shift.
...make like newlyweds; remain in bed all day. (or go to bed early.)
...make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
...make like Houdini and disappear
...make like a mongrel and get lost
...make like a teeny-bopper singer and fade away
...make like data and move
...make like make(1) and update (your location)
...make like a football and kickoff
...make like a baseball player and home-run
...make like rot13 and shpx bss
...make like a pound and quid (quit).
...make like a jet and zoom.
...make like an airplane and take off.
...make like a hat and go on ahead.
...make like an atom and split.
...make like a Catholic and pull out.
...make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here.
...make like rain and get the hail out of here.
I'm going to take a sedimental journey and precipitate outta here.
I'm off like exit(0).
Let us leave (lettuce leaf) (only works for 2+, obviously)
Off like a dirty shirt.
Off like the brides pajamas.
We're off lika a bride's nightie...
Put an egg in my shoe and beat it.
Why don't you make like an asshole and post exit lines?
Hanging in there like stink on a stockyard boot.
Act like yesterdays lunch, go down and out the back.

Award Winners...

The award winner for the most relevant and irrelevant contribution;

There were other versions (corrections... sheesh!) but this was the first.

And don't forget my favorite (from Back to the Future):

"Make like a tree, McFly. Get outta here."

The award winner for the most tasteless contribution;

...make like an abortion and head out early.

BONUS JOKE-

What the marketing director of a major condom manufacturing company said when asked to come up with a new gimmick for their new line of condoms;

"Let's make like bullfrogs and ribbit" [Big Grin]

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