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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 12:46 PM                        Rated G One-Liners The first Ten Commandments are the hardest. People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed. An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame. A word of advice...don't give it. If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote? Justice is blind and in some cases...deaf and dumb.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 12:58 PM                        Rated G Question: What did one flag say to the other flag? Answer: Nothing. It just waved.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 01:00 PM                        Rated G NOT THE BEST PICK-UP LINES - Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality. - When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony. - You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet. - I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat- hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts. - No, really, I read Playboy for the articles. - My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison. - I'm not free Sunday. I'm going to help OJ look for the real killer. - How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz. - Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops? - I was thinking tonight we'd go to a French restaurant. Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box? - I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 01:11 PM                        Rated G An older lady in our town remarried after years of widowhood. She chose her only daughter to be her matron of honour, and asked her daughter's husband to escort her down the aisle. "I was delighted to be asked for this honor," he told the guests at the reception. "After all, there are few men indeed who get the chance to give away their mother-in-law."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 01:20 PM                        Rated G Points to Ponder: - They say that love makes the world go around, but then so does a good swallow of tobacco juice. - Sign seen on a plastic surgeon's window: "Come in and pick your nose!" - I was thinking about how the status symbols of today is those pagers that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener. - You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. - I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! - I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. Or looking for loopholes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 01:23 PM                        Rated G Prinderella and the Since (Dedicated to Catlover) Here, indeed, is a story that'll make your cresh fleep. It will give you poose gimples. Think of a poor little glip of a surl, prairie vitty, who, just because she had to sisty uglers, had to flop the moar, clinkle the shuvvers out of the stitchen cove and do all the other chasty nores, while her soamly histers went to a drancy bess fall. Wasn't that a shirty dame? Well, to make a long shorry stort, this youngless hapster was chewing her doors one day, when who should suddenly appear but a garry fawdmother. Beeling very fadly for this witty prafe, she happed her clands, said a couple of waggic merds, and in the ash of a flybrow, Cinderella* was transformed into a bavaging reauty. And out at the sturbcone stood a nagmificent coalden goach, made of a pipe rellow yumpkin. The gaudy fairmother told her to hop in and dive to the drance, but added that she must positively be mid by homelight. So, overmoash with accumtion, she fanked the tharry from the hottom of her bart, bimed acloard, the driver whacked his crip, and off they went in a dowd of clust. Soon they came to a casterful wundel, where a pransome hince was possing a tarty for the teeple of the pown. Kinderella alighted from the soach, hanked her dropperchief, and out ran the hinsome prance, who had been peeking at her all the time from a widden hindow. The sugly isters stood bylently sigh, not sinderizing Reckognella in her goyal rarments. Well, to make a long shorty still storer, the nince went absolutely pruts over the pruvvly lincess. After several dowers of antsing, he was ayzier than crevver. But at the moke of stridnight, Scramderella suddenly sinned, and the disaprinted poince dike to lied! He had forgotten to ask the nincess her prame! But as she went stunning down the long reps, she slicked off one of the glass kippers she was wearing, and the pounce princed upon it with eeming glize. The next day he tied all over trown to find the lainty daydy whose foot slitted that fipper. And the ditty prame with the only fit that footed was none other than our layding leedy. So she finally prairied the mince, and they happed livily after everward. by Colonel Stoopnagle [From My Tale is Twisted! or, The Storal to this Mory. New York: M. S. Mill Co., Inc., 1946] Parze pleedon me for nelling the spame in such a morrect cranner.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 03:08 PM                        Rated G Occupational Bumper Stickers! Hug a Logger you will never go back to trees Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD! Archeologists will date any old thing Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them Give Blood Play Hockey U.S. MARINE CORPS.--Everything destroyed in 30 min. or the next one's free! Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 03:12 PM                        Rated G I don't want to be a doctor because: If I were a pathologist I'd be in a dead end job If I were a biologist I'd be in jeans all the time. Anesthesiology would put me to sleep Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste. I can't stand podiatry. I can't see myself as an ophthalmologist. I'm too old to be a gerontologist. I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist. But a friend told me that ontology would grow on me. I'm told pediatrics is child's play! I haven't got the heart to be a cardiologist. And they'd see right thru me if I went into radiology. And I really couldn't face it if I were a dermatologist. I haven't got the spine to be a chiropractor. I'm not cut out to be a surgeon. If I weren't such a baby, I'd become a gynecologist. It's been drilled into me that I should be a dentist. I'd rather be a plumber than a urologist. If I were a proctologist I'd have to look at assholes all day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 03:19 PM                        Rated G Daffynitions! Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians. Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm. Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 03:26 PM                        Rated G Debra Swaim, a California woman who admits she's addicted to the reality program "Fear Factor," finally has good reason for making such a claim: Swaim found herself stuck in her car sinking in a river that had flooded and overflowed its banks. Swaim said watching "Fear Factor" regularly taught her how to successfully escape the car as it filled with water. At a news conference detailing her ordeal, she told reporters about the incident, and then ate a handful of roasted cockroaches.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 03:28 PM                        Rated G They have found, at the base of Mount Horeb, an ancient cave, unopened for three thousand years. Apparently this cavern was used by the Israelites to store and repair all the army's rolling stock. There were hundreds of vehicles in all stages of repair that will keep archaeologists busy for years. On of the mysteries was a container holding dozens of pieces of parchment that were apparently made to be carried on an upright spear into battle. The parchments were rolled into separate groups and, when the language scholars deciphered them they fell into several distinct groups...each containing a similar set of words. The group with the most banners was a thick one with the same words on each. These apparently proclaimed, "Shout Huzzah if you love Moses. Another group had wording which showed the Israelites grasp of the calendar, as they said, "In the name of Cain, Celebrate National Brotherhood Week." There were some that were apparently done to remind the people of the wrath of God, as they were printed with the slogan, "If you can see Sodom, you're too darned close." The scholars were to find, on some, the concept of the mighty figures of the Bible, because many carried to the words, "I'm Elijah...my other chariot rolls." It is amazing to find how safety minded the ancient people were. There were several banners which bore the writing, "Remember Goliath: support the ban on unlicensed slingshots." Finally, to indicate how the Israelites revered their elders, they found many banners that simply said, "In the name of Methuselah -- be kind to senior citizens." One of the translators suggested that these phrases would make wonderful bumper stickers for today's Israeli cars, but his idea was turned down as being too fanciful.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 04:18 PM                        Rated G Betsy I believe in honesty and integrity. Someone asked me what I would do if I found $1 million in the street. If it belonged to a poor person, I'd give it back.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 04:25 PM                        Rated G Signs You're Watching Too Much Football 10. Before lovemaking, you flip a coin to see who will receive. 9. You've been banned from the super market for spiking melons. 8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players,you tear the cartilage in your knee. 7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on'em. 6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip. 5. During lovemaking, you use a play clock. 4. You'd pay good money to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway. 3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup. 2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden. 1. After lovemaking, you go for the 2-point conversion.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 04:37 PM                        Rated G BLACK CATS Black cats are considered very unlucky in the European and European-American traditions. Among Anglo-Saxons and Scandinavian people, it is said that if one sets out on a trip and a black cat crosses the road ahead, The only safe course of action is to turn back and return home. Tales of shape-shifting black cats and black cats who are in com- munication with the Devil are also a feature of European folk-belief. Concommitant with these negative feelings about black cats is the notion that they are particularly favoured as witches'-- hence they are always used on Halloween decorations throughout the world.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 08:58 PM                        Rated G If you want to learn more about paranoids, follow them around.  |  IP: Logged

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