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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2005 01:49 PM                        Rated G Quirk I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2005 01:54 PM                        Rated G popo To comply with recent internet law changes...this site will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! Your co-operation is expected.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2005 01:55 PM                        Rated G B.B. A young woman confides to a friend that she wants to quit smoking, but nothing she does seems to work. "Have you tried the patch?" her friend asks. "No, that's one thing I haven't tried," the woman says, "because I'm not sure it works." Says her friend, "I'm sure it would if you put it over your mouth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2005 02:01 PM                        Rated G B.B. Travel Destinations Artists go to: Painted Desert, Arizona Athletes go to: Olympia Heights, Florida Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana College Professors: University City, Missouri Ecologists: Green Bay, Wisconsin Firefighters: Smokey Mountains Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan Lawyers: Accident, Maryland Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York Optometrists: Plainview, New York Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina Pianists: Florida Keys Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia Sailors: Marina, California Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey TV Evangelists: Paradise, California  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2005 02:09 PM                        Rated G B.B. Ineffective Daily Affirmations. . . . All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts. I am at one with my duality. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." False hope is nicer than no hope at all. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step... blaming my parents. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2005 03:59 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba What are the three fastest means of communication? a) Internet b) Telephone c) Telawoman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2005 07:05 AM                        Rated G Bruce Sayings You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!" "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution." "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room." "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches." "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue." "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!" "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration." "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?" "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2005 07:19 AM                        Rated G Groaner of the Day: "A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change." ----Jay Leno "A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish - the language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date or kiss." --Conan O'Brien "A pair of ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in "Wizard of Oz" have been stolen. The culprit is considered armed and fabulous." --Dave Letterman "In a new survey it was found that roughly 30% of Americans believe in ghosts. It was also found that liberals are more likely to believe in ghosts that conservatives. Which explains why liberals are so against the death penalty. They're scared they might piss the guy off and he'll come back!" --Jay Leno "The senate has finally agreed to vote on President Bush's judicial nominees without having a filibuster. However, President Bush still thinks that a filibuster is a chocolate covered peanut candy bar." --Conan O'Brien I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.' ---Dave George  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2005 12:43 PM                        Rated G Q. What's the difference between a King's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan? A. One's an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2005 02:31 PM                        Rated G New Definitions for 2005 Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other. Divorce: Future tense of marriage. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2005 02:33 PM                        Rated G Automation A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it. "Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2005 02:55 PM                        Rated G My friend loves to "Dumpster Dive" looking for discarded things that she might be able to use, but on this trip to the"Dumpster" she took some shoes that she didn't want anymore and she dropped them at the "Dumpster". While there she looked through some bags of items and deceided to leave when she spotted a bag with several boxes inside.She retrived the bag intending to open it when she got home. When she opened the bag at home she found that she brought back the same shoes that she took to the "Dumpster" to drop off that she no longer wanted.. I had a good laugh !!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2005 02:56 PM                        Rated G SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY - "CARISMA" Sure he was balding, wrinkled, and paunchy, but Harold had a Porsche and was certain that what he lacked in looks he made up for in carisma. DEFINITION: Mistaken belief that older men become more attractive to young women by driving a sports car.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2005 03:01 PM                        Rated G SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN. . . 8. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag. 7. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats. 6. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher. 5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system. 4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings. 3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus. 2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks. 1. No toes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 07:57 AM                        Rated G Sign seen on doctor's office wall: If you don't believe the dead come back to life, just drop by here at quitting time!  |  IP: Logged

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