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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:03 PM                        Rated G My father, who is responsible for burials in the local cemetery, was instructed to dig a grave for a funeral the next day. He misunderstood the message and dug the grave in the wrong section of the graveyard. Just before the funeral, Dad's mistake was discovered. But the deceased's son was very understanding. "My father always complained that he never could find a parking space," he said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:05 PM                        Rated G Michele A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird. Radioing Earth they yell: "Houston, we've got a problem, there's a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there." "Go out and make contact, find more about them", was the reply. So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: "Do you all dress like that?" "Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:29 PM                        Rated PG Michele I hope others enjoy an insight in to this often mentioned but mysterious location. Here is another day at Camp David. I have three stories on a wonderful web site about Camp David. That site address follows the below story. Look under Sea Stories. Bill King a former Camp Senior Chief owns and maintains the site. Al Williamson Tree Phone by Allen Williamson During a visit in the late sixties and before cell phones, a guest rushed up to me and asked where he could find the closest telephone. We were some distance from any cabin, the office, or Hickory. I just walked over to the side of the road, reached around behind a tree, and pulled out a telephone receiver. He exclaimed, "It's amazing, you people think of everything." I walked away as he made his call and neglected to mention that the phone in the hollowed out tree was a one of a kind and simply there close to the fireplace wood and equipment storage shed for the convenience of the grounds crew. Sometimes it is fun not to say too much. http://home.mchsi.com/~cbretvet/  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:42 PM                        Rated PG It was during the gold rush in the Yukon Territory. Harry Alexander packed a bag, grabbed his Bible, and started out of the tent he shared with Gary Thorndike. Gary asked, "Where are you going?" "I'm heading into Fort Dawson. I hear it's the wildest town anybody's ever seen. There's booze you could take a bath in, gambling, and women who'll drive you crazy with their favors." "Why are you taking your Bible?" "Well, if it's as good as they say, I'm planning to stay over Sunday!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:51 PM                        Rated G "I've gone into hundreds of fortune-teller's parlors, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her." ---New York City Detective  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:19 AM                        Rated G Betsey Now that we've retired and live in the country, I have finally started gardening, as I've wanted to do all my life. My husband likes to help out and often comes home with plants he's found along the side of the road. One day he came home with an odd-looking plant that I put in front of our house in a nice, sunny spot. It grew quickly, but produced no flowers, which was unfortunate since I wanted a flowering bush in that spot! As I was digging it up to transplant it, a very nice police officer stopped and asked me where I had found that plant. I told him that my husband brought it home and said there was an entire field of them. "If you want some, I'm sure he can tell you where to find them." Well you can imagine my horror when the policeman informed us we were growing marijuana! The next time my husband goes on a plant foraging expedition, I'm sending along a plant identification book. Who knows what he could bring home!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:24 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Having just graduated from the College of Agricultural Sciences at Penn State University, I eagerly put my newly acquired knowledge to work to produce the perfect garden. Since my young daughter was interested, I encouraged her to help me plant the various crops and to harvest them when they were ready. Finally only the tomatoes were left. I hovered protectively over them and checked their ripeness frequently. One day I found a bucket of still-green tomatoes on the step, and my daughter was busy gathering more. Dismayed I asked her why she had picked them. My sweet daughter's earnest reply was, "I thought they turned red when you cooked them, like lobsters."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:38 AM                        Rated G Andy AN ULTIMATE BLESSED LIST Blessed are they who do the ironing, for they shalt not be depressed. Blessed are they who process lettuce, for they shalt see the tip of the iceberg. Blessed are the fishermen, for they shalt have net income. Blessed are those who drink orange juice, for they shalt be able to concentrate. Blessed is he who attends church at more than one denomination, for he shalt be bi-sectual. Blessed are those who make perfect bread, for they shalt be a good roll model. Blessed are they who have cellular phones, for they shalt receive the call wherever they are. Blessed are those who turn off their cellular phones, for they shall have peace. Blessed are those who laugh often, for they shalt have strong funnybones. Blessed are those who speak as lawyers, for they shalt be brief. Blessed are those who meet their mate on the internet, for it shall be love at first site. Blessed are bald men, for they shalt not have toupee for hair cuts. Blessed are the plastic surgeons, for they shalt put a whole new face on things. Blessed are the electricians, for they shall remove your shorts. Blessed are the hard of hearing for they shall miss all the small talk. Blessed are those who swallow bitter words so they won't have to eat them later. Blessed are the brief, for they shalt have lower phone bills.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:43 AM                        Rated G B.B. There are four kinds of Mall parkers: "Search and destroyers"... roam the aisles, cruising endlessly for the perfect spot. "Lay and wait"... parkers position themselves at the end of an aisle and wait for a space to open up in what they start to believe is their territory. "Stalkers"... the most predatory, slowly follow shoppers leaving the store back to their parking spot. Lastly, the "See it and take it"... who don't care how far they have to walk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:45 AM                        Rated G George I was the last to leave the office one Friday evening and managed to lock myself out without my overcoat and wallet. Kneeling in a deserted hallway to try picking an electronic lock with a paper clip, I heard the seam of suit trousers rip apart. About then I realised I needed a screwdriver to remove the lock plate, and said so aloud. Seconds later the elevator doors next to my office opened, revealing a screwdriver in the middle of the floor. There was a crackle from the wall speaker next to the elevator. "This is security," said a voice. "There's your screwdriver. Sorry, but I don't have any needle or thread for your pants."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:53 AM                        Rated G A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident." The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?" The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:26 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine A little boy came home from school yesterday crying. All the boys at his school got new suits, but his parents couldn't afford to buy him one. Instead his parents bought him a new hat and just let him look out the window.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:36 AM                        Rated G Michele Bizarre Last Words of Men About to Be Executed As George Appel was being strapped into the electric chair, he said to the witnesses, "Well, folks, you'll soon see a baked Appel." Before Thomas Grasso was given his lethal injection, he complained, "I did not get my SpaghettiOs, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this." Sir Walter Raleigh said, "So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lieth." And then he was beheaded. On his way to the chair, James French said to a newspaper reporter," I have a terrific headline for you in the morning: 'French Fries.'" Francis Crowley remarked "You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother." Then he was electrocuted. Just before being hanged, Neville Heath's last request was for a whiskey. "In the circumstances," he added, "you might make that a double." Said Johnny Frank Garrett before being lethally injected: "I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass." Erskine Childers called out to the firing squad, "Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way." Jimmy Glass said, "I'd rather be fishing." Then he was electrocuted. As British serial killer Dr. William Palmer stood on the gallows, he asked the officials, "Are you sure this thing is safe?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:39 AM                        Rated G Betsy When a young announcer was raising funds on a local public television station, a woman called in and told the volunteer operator she would donate a hundred dollars if the announcer would shave off his beard. He agreed to help the cause and returned to work clean-shav en. The following day, the check arrived from his mother.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:58 AM                        Rated G On one occasion William Howard Taft, in his work as an attorney, took a train to Somerville, about 40 miles north of his home in Cincinnati. At the end of the day he knew that the policy of the railway was not to stop for just one passenger to board. He therefore sent this telegram: "Stop at Somerville for a large party." As the train came to a halt, Taft began to board the train, and conductor asked, "Where's the large party?" Taft, with all of his 335 pounds replied, 'I'm the large party."  |  IP: Logged

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