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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2005 07:06 PM                        Rated G B.B. A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2005 07:09 PM                        Rated G Gerry At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2005 07:16 PM                        Rated G Betsy The most frequently heard complaint from northern drivers in the South is "Southern drivers don't use their turn signals"... If we live in a small Southern town, we presume that everyone knows where we are going,and turn signals are unnecessary.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2005 07:20 PM                        Rated G How can you tell when there's a elephant in your bed? By the big "E" on his pajamas.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2005 07:22 PM                        Rated G Michele You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2005 07:24 PM                        Rated G Michele The Gerber Company is in big trouble. They had to recall 10 million pacifiers. It seems a Consumer Reports study came out saying they sucked.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2005 07:28 PM                        Rated G Michele Here's a listing of some recently-published "new books" & their author.... - "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace - "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff - "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow - "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep - "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty - "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel - "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent - "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate - "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down - "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung - "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago - "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud - "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter - "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples - "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath - "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch - "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2005 07:18 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Two days after my husband,Dennis,put 30 tiny chicks in a makeshift shed,the outdoor temperature dropped.Afraid the birds would freeze,Dennis stripped a spare bedroom in the house and, over my fierce protests,moved them into a pen in the room. The chicks grew quickly and took on a distinctly unpleasant odour. One day I phoned an understanding friend and began to pour out my troubles."Hi,it's me again.We won't be coming over tonight.I really wanted to visit,but I told Dennis I'm sick and tired of the smell and the noise,and he has to get those chicks out of the bedroom today!" As I paused for breath,I heard,"Who is this?" from the shocked recipient of my misdialed call.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2005 12:26 PM                        Rated G George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, "Can Albert come out to play?" "No," said the mother, "it's too cold." "Well,then," said George,"can his football come out to play?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2005 12:30 PM                        Rated G B.B. SIGNS YOU NEED COOKING LESSONS You consider it a culinary success if the Pop Tart stays in one piece. Your dog goes over to the neighbors at dinner time. When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third has the phone in hand with 911 on speed dial. The E.P.A. insists all of your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols. Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie, but your guests can't tell which is which. Your family prays after they eat.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2005 12:34 PM                        Rated G Lorraine As a hobby my cousin makes picnic tables. He and I were on our way to deliver one to a friend and had secured the table to the top of our small car. While we were stopped at a red light, a colleague of my cousin pulled up beside us in his truck. "Going on a picnic?" he asked.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2005 12:48 PM                        Rated G Michele A website dedicated to collecting and sharing humorous English mistakes released the Top 10 Romantic Mistakes from students learning English. "Any of us learning a new language is going to make a lot of mistakes, and a few are going to be funny enough to pass around,"said Bryant Oden,creator of InnocentEnglish.com, in a news release. "In honor of Valentine's Day, we pass around this very romantic top 10 list." Top 10 Most Romantic Lines From New English Language Students 10. I fell in love with her the first time I sawed her. 9. He had such a worm heart. 8. We were two sheeps passing in the night. 7. We have hated each other for so long. I want to borrow the hatchet. 6. My dentist makes me blush twice a day. 5. I don't know if he will propose, but I am expecting. 4. I have something exciting to tell you. My girlfriend and I got enraged last night! 3. The groom was wearing a very nice croissant. 2. He lifted the veal off her face and gave her a big kiss. 1. I think she is really glad she got marinated. Recipes: Next, chop all the vegetarians into little pieces. Health: It is dangerous to smoke while you are becoming pregnant. Sports: It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high into the air. Politics: The President got off the plane and gave a big kiss to the first ladder. Grammar: Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence? Music: When he was through singing he had a standing ovulation. Food: Do you like this food? I made it from scratching! Parents: My bed has three blankets and a large guilt my parents gave me. Weather: Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful about that. Once a car starts lusting, there's no way to stop it! Travel: You can't sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you can probably sleep with my sister. That's what most of my friends do when they visit.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2005 12:50 PM                        Rated G B.B. One-Liners What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy? A Saddle Light Dish Pop quiz: A paternity suit. Polyunsaturated: A dry parrot. If a rabbit is raised indoors, it would be an ingrown hare.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2005 02:27 PM                        Rated PG Social Security A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2005 05:07 PM                        Rated G Eight Words With Two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) a. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.  |  IP: Logged

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