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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2005 09:50 AM                        Rated G Billy SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY CASHTRATION Bill had just purchased his new home and loved it except for the feeling of cashtration that set in after the first month. DEFINITION: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2005 12:44 PM                        Rated G Dennis The man in the blue J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" The man would not reach up. Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?" "I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit. "Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo. The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *Give* you anything."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2005 12:46 PM                        Rated G I Don't Want To Be A Doctor Because... If I were a pathologist I'd be in a dead end job. If I were a biologist I'd be in jeans all the time. Anesthesiology would put me to sleep. Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste. I can't stand podiatry. I can't see myself as an ophthalmologist. I'm too old to be a gerontologist. I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist. But a friend told me that oncology would grow on me. I'm told pediatrics is child's play! I haven't got the heart to be a cardiologist. And they'd see right through me if I went into radiology. And I really couldn't face it if I were a dermatologist. I haven't got the spine to be a chiropractor. I'm not cut out to be a surgeon. If I weren't such a baby, I'd become a gynecologist. It's been drilled into me that I should be a dentist. I'd rather be a plumber than a urologist.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2005 01:01 PM                        Rated G It's that time of the year again: Will February March? No, but April May. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2005 01:03 PM                        Rated G Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General 10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve. 9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum. 8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown. 7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator. 6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit. 5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers. 4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks". 3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy. 2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school. 1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2005 01:12 PM                        Rated G A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother. Brother 1: So how is my cat doing? Brother 2: He is Dead Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground. Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again. Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing? Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2005 01:24 PM                        Rated G Identifying Where A Driver Is From * One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago * One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York * One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston * One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on acceler- ator: California. With gun in lap: L.A. * Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. * Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy * One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle * One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male * One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keep- ing speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male * Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia * Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2005 10:52 AM                        Rated G After a long weekend,my co-worker and I were sent by New Jersey's highway maintenance department to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one we put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing. We moved down the road to repair the next sign, and looking back, we spotted a deer running across the highway. My co-worker turned to me. "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?" he said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2005 10:10 AM                        Rated G This is an actual collection from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals... She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2005 10:14 AM                        Rated G Elaine What are the odds that we humans are the dumbest race in the universe? With a universe as big as ours, the good news is that it's unlikely we're the single dumbest race in the whole joint. Sure it's possible. But the odds are on our side that when God scraped the bottom he didn't come up with us. That honor probably belongs to an insignificant race in a backwater solar system that goes around praying to God on Sundays and killing each other Monday through Friday, and sometimes Saturday, depending if they didn't get the job done right during the week.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:15 PM                        Rated G Lorraine After my grandfather's wake, my sister and aunt were driving from the funeral home, which we had used many times before, to the cemetery. "I've done this drive so often," my aunt said, "I could do it with my eyes closed." "One day you will," replied my sister.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:34 PM                        Rated G Donna "Do you know anything about palmistry, Betty?" asked Janet. "Not much," she replied. "Although I had an experience in handreading last night.I glanced at the hand of my husband and knew that money was coming his way." "You knew that from his hand?" "Yes, it had four aces in it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:51 PM                        Rated G Michele Geek Pickup Lines "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'" "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!" "Nice Asimov." "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody." "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!" "I'm the droid you're looking for." "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears." "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft." "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:52 PM                        Rated G Michele The Top 18 Mary Kay LeTourneau Wedding-Planning Tips 18> Save honeymoon money by staying at Howard Johnson's, where kids stay free! 17> Be sure to bring a few Game Boys so the groomsmen don't get bored during the ceremony. 16> "Let's see, there's Mary Kay, her two kids, Vili's adolescence ... what's blue? Wait -- the prison guard's uniform!" 15> To ensure that guests of all ages have a good time at the reception, be sure to have a separate "adult's table." 14> White is for the virgin bride. Off-white is appropriate for second weddings. Stripes are fine for convicted child-rapists. 13> Have the reception menu mirror the happy couple's first meal together: sloppy joes, Tater Tots and a bottle of Sunny D. 12> Add a clause to his vows making him promise to visit you in the nursing home when he's 40. 11> Make sure the groomsmen's exposed boxer shorts match the bridesmaid's dresses. 10> Dress the ring bearer in the same color as the groom. You'll have an extra tuxedo in case the groom spills his chocolate milk during the reception! 9> Use an opaque veil to keep the groom from coming to his senses. 8> Tuck in your bridal veil *before* doing a wicked 180 and rail- slide across the pews during the processional. 7> 1. Fire cake decorator. 2. Scrape off "pedophile" and replace with "Mary Kay." 6> Keep in mind that his parents may not see the humor in the reception band playing "Hot for Teacher." 5> Find out if Michael Jackson is available to babysit. 4> You'll be away for a whole week on your honeymoon, so don't forget to set the TiVo to record "Jimmy Neutron" while you're gone. 3> Make sure the sippy cups are on the right of the wine glasses. 2> On the wedding night, dress up in something that gets your man really excited -- like a Power Ranger outfit. ... and the Number 1 Mary Kay LeTourneau Wedding-Planning Tip ... 1> Hands off that hot little ring bearer -- you're taken!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:00 PM                        Rated G Michele As I'm sure you know, Prince Charles and Camilla announced they're going to get married. They're going to get married at London's Town Hall, where Camilla once worked. As a gargoyle. Prince Charles announced he will not have a best man. He said Camilla is man enough.  |  IP: Logged

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