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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-02-2004 10:46 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:
When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them.
If you love your cat, change your first name to Meow legally, and then train your cat to call you by name. Cool at parties.
Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake people.
If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eye- glasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.
Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy shit! I'm really gay!"
Most tropical fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of the tank... remove after two weeks.
Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family as its human members. This is normal. Just don't tell your spouse.
If you have a pot-bellied pig, with yellowish eyes at home ...best you check the pig's religious affiliation before considering marriage.
Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow depressed and eventually require sharing your anti-depressants.
When choosing a pet, remember she may be soft and cute, but Penthouse pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high maintenance.
Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light breading in a rosemary butter sauce.
Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across the under belly of the pet... without parental permission.
Your rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind, it's a longshot.
If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.
Getting your kids a boa constrictor and a dozen rats is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists just for their amusement.
Old people enjoy pets. Get your pet one.
Seven out of ten people polled believe that giving a skunk as a wedding gift is de classe.
Most dogs in the White House adopt a President for photo shoots... best if the President is house-broken first. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-02-2004 10:53 AM
Rated G Michele
The subway system in Glasgow consists of two circular tunnels, side by side, with the trains travelling in different directions (of course) on each one.
One evening, as a packed train of commuters was delayed at platform, the driver announced over the public address system,
"Sorry for the extended delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home,unless,of course,you happen to be married to my ex-wife,in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound track and go in the opposite direction".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-04-2004 03:12 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) : Lorraine
"Library Principles for Students", from the Old Testament by Jim Farrington
1. Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the Library.
2. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the Library.
3. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the Library.
4. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the Library.
5. Of the round pies of baked dough, topped variously and wondrously with goodness of the Earth, especially with extra garlic and double cheese, you may eat, but not in the Library, neither may you carry such therein.
6. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but not in the Library.
7. Of the juices and other beverages, you may drink, but not in the Library, unless it is that drink of two parts hydrogen and one of oxygen and only then should the mixture be held in a container of the prescribed shape and nature that miraculously do not spill even when uprighted.
8. Indeed, when you reach the place where the Library carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.
"Laws When at Table, in Carrel, or in Wingback"
1. And if you are seated in your comfy chair, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even though this might be something you would do in confines of your own domicile, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
2. Draw not with your pens or pencils or other implements of writing upon the table or the books before you, even in pretend, for we do not do that; that is why. Yours shall not be the last eyes to gaze understandably upon the words so written, and they should be as fresh for your followers as for you and your antecedents.
"On Vocal Discourse"
1. Do not speak loudly with thy neighbor or study mate within the Library; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you find a troubling idea foisted upon your eyes between the bindings of a book, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not; only remonstrate gently with a knowing nod, that you may correct the fault of the author in your own essay.
2. Likewise, if you find your mind wandering from the soulfulness of your studies, again I say, refrain from conversing with whoever be at hand so that others might not be so distracted.
3. Play not the electronic gadgets fitted to your ears at such a volume as to cause others to march to your drum machine.
4. Though the need will eventually arise that you must give in to your ignorance of a matter bibliographic and throw yourself prostrate to the all knowing ones behind the Great Oaken Desk in the Campbell Reference Center, wail not dispairingly nor gnash the teeth loudly, for the sound carries great and far in that part of the Library, and then many of your peers will know of your misfortune; behold, I whisper myself, yet do not die.
"Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances"
1. Attempt not to repair broken word carriers with your own tape, for these are matters better left to our specialists.
2. Forget not that to steal is one of the original sins, and you will be punished woefully, if not now then in the fullness of time.
3. Although the Library's computers are capable of seeing many wondrous sites in the World, look not upon the lascivious or unscholarly among them, nor print endless reams of things of which those who pay your bills would not approve.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-05-2004 12:54 PM
Rated G Michele
IN A PERFECT WORLD
A person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
People always have good reasons to be optimistic.
You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but also he'd do it.
First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
All people could expect to be accepted.
Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.
The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.
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