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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 01:20 PM                        Rated G The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother about life. "Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've got to withstand storms, drought, wind, animals -- not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if you don't give up, you'll thrive and grow." "Life certainly is a gamble," agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?" "As in any gamble," said Mama Cabbage, "quit when you're a head!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 01:31 PM                        Rated G Michele Enjoying her vacation in Hawaii, Lisa called a cafe to make reservations for 7 P.M. Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?" "That's fine," Lisa said. "Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 04:28 PM                        Rated G Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2004 07:15 PM                        Rated G B.B. A woman whose answer appeared in "Headlines," on THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO: "No, I don't think a church should have a gay minister! That's just wrong! I'll bet Jesus is turning over in his grave right now!" Leno: "Maybe you should go to church a little more, Lady!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2004 08:41 PM                        Rated G Bob & Faye Kingston Ont.CA Pearls of wisdom Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Never miss a good chance to shut up. No one is listening until you fart. Always remember you're unique-just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2004 09:50 AM                        Rated G Nick "Doesn't it bother you when people litter? The most creative rationale for throwing and apple core out the window is 'it will plant seeds for other trees to grow.' And, of course, our highways are lined with apple trees--right next to the cigarette bushes."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-12-2004 09:41 AM                        Rated PG John O' Neill hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2004 09:34 AM                        Rated G Michele Reason why I never visit rich people!! Question: "What would you like to have? Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?" Answer: "Tea, please." Question: "Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?" Answer: "Ceylon tea." Question: "How would you like it? black or white?" Answer: "White." Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?" Answer: "With milk." Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk?" Answer: "With cow milk please." Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?" Answer: "Um, I'll take it black." Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?" Answer: "With sugar." Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?" Answer: "Cane sugar." Question: "White, brown or yellow sugar?" Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead." Question: "Mineral water or still water?" Answer: "Mineral water." Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?" Answer: "I'd rather die of thirst."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2004 08:58 AM                        Rated PG Spaz New Drugs on Market Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Damitol: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. Empty Nestrogen: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music. Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person? & Can we get naked now?" St. Mom's Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Extra Strength Buy-One-All: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. JackAsspirin: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragamat: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Men-Gay: A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2004 12:12 PM                        Rated G A scientist recently crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker. The bird not only carries messages, it knocks on the door.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 08:47 AM                        Rated PG Ollie Q. Did you hear about the guy with a map of Canada tattooed on his ass? A. Every time he sits down, Quebec separates.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 09:09 AM                        Rated G Michele Ending a relationship is just like adjusting your underwear. You feel better when the creep is gone.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 09:33 AM                        Rated G Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car. Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2004 10:33 AM                        Rated G "So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper. Haven't been grumpy,nasty or selfish. I'm really glad of that. But in a few minutes,God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2004 02:29 PM                        Rated G Michele Signs Warning Label: On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. Hummels - Largest Selection Ever "If It's In Stock, We Have It!" Warning Label: On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." Georgia Peaches- California Grown - 89¢ Lb. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." Warning Label: On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. Wanted: Success-oriented people to drive cement trucks-Only individuals with concrete plans for the future need.  |  IP: Logged

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