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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-28-2004 11:06 AM
Rated X ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President Of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi...you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?"
The guy yells, "Dat's da guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-28-2004 11:10 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Dennis
Strange High School Nicknames
Poca Dots (Poca, WS)
Cairo Syrupmakers (Cairo, GA)
Frankfort Hot Dogs (Frankfort, IN)
Brown Scoopers (Sturgis, SD)
Cobden Appleknockers (Cobden, IL)
Freeport Pretzels (Freeport, IL)
Devil's Lake Satans (Devil's Lake, ND)
Speedway Sparkplugs (Speedway, IN)
Mesquite Skeeters (Mesquite, TX)
Maryville Spoofhounds (Maryville, MO)
Teutopolis Wooden Shoes (Teutopolis, IL)
Dunn Earwigs (Dunn, CA)
West Plaines Zizzers (West Plaines, MO)
Yuma Criminals (Yuma, AZ)
Pleasant Hill Billies (Pleasant Hill, OR)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-28-2004 11:13 AM
Rated G Michele
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
And then she voted.
I work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week".
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh... Pacific."
And then he voted.
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but, "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
And then she voted.
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket... quite a stretch if you're trapped in a seatbelt in a Continental!
And then she voted.
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
And then they all voted.
I was hanging out with a liberal friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an ea rring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
And then she voted.
My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"
To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey."
And then he voted.
My wife and I were trying to find a carry-on suitcase in one of those huge discount stores and had become hopelessly lost. We stopped and asked a department manager where we might find suitcases. "Did you try in Luggage?" she asked, and returned to what she was doing.
And then she voted.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," She asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
And then she voted.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-29-2004 09:35 AM
Rated G Diane in Reno
ON THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS WITH A DEFT PEN
For lovers of good writing, these are the 10 top entries of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest -- AKA The Dark and Stormy Night Contest -- (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University). The rules are simple, one submits only the first line of a bad novel.
And the winners are:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS.....
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied h! orror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly,'You lied!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-29-2004 09:57 AM
Rated PG Michele
On the weekend of the last guaranteed warm motorcycle outing of the year, I was bar tending at a club nearby. When the roaring machines pulled up outside, the tourists sitting in the lounge glanced nervously toward the door and conversation turned into uneasy whispering.
A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and one of them asked me where the phone was. I pointed it out, and warned him that the lady on it had been talking for half an hour and might take some more time to finish.
He just shrugged, and slowly walked over towards the payphone, casually rubbing his hands to get rid of the dead bugs that had bombed his knuckles during the ride.
When the woman on the phone saw that, she freaked, dropped the phone and ran, sure that she was going to get murdered, raped, robbed and yelled at.
The big biker just continued on to the phone, hung it up and rummaged for a quarter, then dialed a number.
All the tourists held their breath to hear what he was saying.
"Hi, Mom. We got here OK, and yes, we dropped off the cookies for Auntie Alice. Just want to let you know I'll be home earlier than planned, because it looks like it might rain later on."
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