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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2004 01:57 PM                        Rated G Michele Here are several ways really nasty ways to get even with someone: GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, camcorder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, Just come around back and Come early! X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victim's carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials an absolute classic . . . OIL SPOT: At night pour used oil underneath the victims car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too. FAX MACHINES: Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as OIL SPOT.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2004 12:04 PM                        Rated G B.B. WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE I HAD KIDS Who John Jacob Jingle Heimershmitt is. How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child and all of the above simultaneously. Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing. (ain't that one the truth) Locations of public restrooms all across town. Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie. That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits. How little sleep a human body truly needs to function. Almost every Disney lyric ever penned. How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.(and that it reproduces into a never-ending supply in your refrigerator) That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets. Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z. (what evil person decided that children between the ages of 3 and 7 need to know all there is to know about the creatures. That reverse psychology really works. The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot. Why they call them Happy meals.(they made my son so deliriously happy, I think they put drugs in the food) How far you can dilute juice and still retain it's taste. The blessedness of naps, the inviolate importance of routines. How much you could love one human being!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2004 12:14 PM                        Rated G Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2004 12:15 PM                        Rated G "New & Improved" When something is "New & Improved". Which is it? If it's new, there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-02-2004 01:10 PM                        Rated G Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important." So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine: 12. Chateau Traileur Parc 11. White Trashfindel 10. Big Red Gulp 9. Grape Expectations 8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays" 7. NASCARbernet 6. Chef Boyardeaux 5. Peanut Noir 4. Chateau des Moines 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 2. World Championship Riesling And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine . 1. Nasti Spumante  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2004 08:46 AM                        Rated PG Michele Rodney Dangerfield's classic one-liners "I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'" "When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother." "When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream." "Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'" "When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up." "I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home." "When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me." "When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's." "With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet." "With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2004 08:53 AM                        Rated G Michele "The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2004 11:00 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.CA Thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice. Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you. Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental. When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake." I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed." Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house? Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy. "Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted. This floors me! On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure. When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting." Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all. It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper -"divorce." And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too. I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation. Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down! Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this. I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLuxe." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!" Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore. Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most - "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2004 08:53 AM                        Rated G Bruce If you come over to my place and see dust an inch thick, dirty laundry and ironing piled high, blame it on my mother... She always told me: "If you can't do a job right, don't do it at all!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2004 09:00 AM                        Rated G from: Michele How to tell if you need to pray at work..... ~When a coworker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the shit out of her...You need to pray at work. ~When someone comes in and announces, "Office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "What the fuck do they want now?" ....You need to pray at work. ~When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "Which one of you assholes turned off my computer?" ....You need to pray at work. ~When you and a coworker are discussing something and a third person comes in and says, "Well, at my last office...", and you want to throw a stapler at him. ....You need to pray at work. ~When you hear a coworker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "What the hell does this jerk want now?", and you try to hide underneath your desk. ....You need to pray at work. ~When you're asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "Both of y'all can kiss my ass ....You need to pray at work. ~When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for minutes waiting for the darn thing and they only go DOWN one floor, and you say "Lazy Bastard ....You need to pray at work. ~When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "Sorry ass mothers" ....You need to pray at work. ~If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping, or flattening someone's tires that you work with. ....You need to pray at work. ~If you avoid saying more than "hello" or "how are you doing" to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story. ....You need to pray at work. ~If you have ever sat at your desk all day and played Solitaire, Free Cell, Jeopardy, Hearts or any other game, then get mad when someone walks into your office and you have to stop playing. ....You need to pray at work.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-16-2004 09:36 AM                        Rated PG 15 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on th e same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 7. Never lick a steak knife. 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 14. Your friends love you anyway. 15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2004 02:33 PM                        Rated R Uncle Bubba Rejected Dr. Seuss Books: 1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch. 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet 3. Fox in Detox 4. Who Shat in the Hat? 5. Horton Hires a Ho 6. The Cat in the Blender 7. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket 8. Bi-Curious George  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2004 02:37 PM                        Rated G What did one ghost say to the other ghost? "Do you believe in people?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2004 08:42 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A deaf friend who communicates by using "finger language" started playing volleyball. As she was telling me how much she enjoyed the game,she added, "But the first week my fingers hurt so much I could hardly talk!" A deaf friend who communicates by using "finger language" started playing volleyball. As she was telling me how much she enjoyed the game, she added, "But the first week my fingers hurt so much I could hardly talk!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2004 09:12 AM                        PG POLITICALLY CORRECT: HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or "MOANER" - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. 3. She is not "EASY" - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 4. She is not 'DUMB" - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY 5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 9. She does not "NAG YOU" - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. 10. She is not a "SLUT" - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. 12. She is not a "TWO-BIT WHORE" - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.  |  IP: Logged

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