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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2004 09:50 AM                        Rated G Michele Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2004 10:39 AM                        Rated PG Maxine: That Grand Old Girl! 1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" -- "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures." 2. Maxine on "Life" -- "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns." 3. Maxine on "Housework" -- "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible." 4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless." ***** 5. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed." *********** 6. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a coworker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards." ***** 7. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice." 8. Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita ******  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2004 10:48 AM                        Rated G Tim Wilson, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart: "Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. and Kobe are walking around, Scott Peterson's going to be out soon, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook and clean and haul her off to jail."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2004 11:33 AM                        Rated G B.B. Things We Hope Our Children Never Discover The eyes in the back of our heads are only 20/40. We can't wait until you're old enough to move out, too. Doing chores has no effect whatsoever on building character. When we were your age, we watched just as much TV... maybe more! The Tooth Fairy is funded by the American Dental Association. All those tee-ball games, dance recitals, school plays, band concerts, spelling bees and graduation exercises? We napped through 'em all. Starving orphans in Ethiopia hate asparagus, too. When we were kids, school was really just down the block.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2004 11:49 AM                        Rated G Michele Strange facts: The double popsicle-stick was introduced during the Depression, so two people could share it. Danny DeVito once studied to be a hairdresser. Human DNA and jellyfish DNA are 80 percent identical. The comic book character Aquaman's partner was Aqualad. If you live in the U.S. and went out in your back yard and dug through the center of the Earth, you would not come up in China, but in the Indian Ocean, somewhere near Australia. Oil from the ground is actually dark green, not black. Opossums do not play dead. They actually faint. Uncle Sam did not have a beard until the beginning of the Civil War or so.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2004 12:45 PM                        Rated G Michele PROVERBS TO LIVE BY "As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't. But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station. I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they would let him out. Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won't always hear "on the other hand..." The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever! $100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth nothing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2004 01:00 PM                        Rated G Children Books That Didn't Make It To The Press: 1...You Are Different and That's Bad 2...The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3...Dad's New Wife Robert 4...Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share 5...Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 6...The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 7...Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her 8...Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9...All Cats Go to Hell! 10...The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11...Some Kittens Can Fly. 12...That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption 13...Grandpa Gets a Casket 14...The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 15...Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia 16...The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17...Strangers Have the Best Candy 18...Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 19...You Were an Accident 20...Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21...Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games 22...The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan 23...Your Nightmares Are Real 24...Where Would You Like to Be Buried? 25...Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 26...Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 27...Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2004 01:09 PM                        Rated G Michele Dining out one evening I noticed some teenagers celebrating at a nearby table. When one girl pulled out a camera, I offered to take a picture of the group. After one photo I suggested taking another just in case the first one didn't come out. "That's ok," she said as she took her camera back. "I always get double prints."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 02:49 PM                        Rated G Maggie There is little chance for people to get together as long as most of us want to be in the front of the bus, the back of the church and the middle of the road.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 02:59 PM                        Rated G BOATING TIPS When water-skiing, never allow a feisty duck to hitch a ride on your skis. Always stay at least five boat-lengths behind the whale in front of you. While sinking to the bottom of a lake or ocean, screaming does not help. When boating, always wear a swimsuit with suspenders. This makes it easier on the guys with the grappling hook when they're trying to retrieve your body. Drowning can cause severe shortness of breath. And you don't even want to think about what it does to your complexion. Always wear a life jacket in case you fall overboard. Also, it's a good idea to take along something to read, in case you're swallowed by a whale. Most whales seem to enjoy Moby Dick. Boating while intoxicated is not illegal in some states, but it's stupid in all of them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 03:01 PM                        Rated G Michele DAFFYNITIONS I.V.Drip: An insufferable fellow from Harvard or Yale. Parking: A scratch golfer. Pandamonium: The black and white Chinese bears are groaning. Fillibuster: One who breaks female horses. Propaganda: A politically correct male goose. Capitol punishment:. Sending someone to Washington to serve in the government. Engineers: What Native Americans hear with. Madam: Someone for whom the belles toll.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 03:12 PM                        Rated G A while ago, I went skiing. I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 03:28 PM                        Rated PG Michele PICK UP/ CONVERSATION STARTERS "Hi. I'm Big Brother. I've been watching you..." "Would you like to join me in the Bahamas next week?" "Would you like to see my Congressional Medal of Honor?" (then, after fumbling with finding it, "Oops! I must have left it at home.") "Did you have a color television when you were a kid? (Flesh this out with the old "settle an argument" trick, ask her what color Fred Flintstone's dog Dino is. This has *never failed* to generate further conversation.) "What's your blood type?" At the Laundromat, "How much bleach should I put in with my good suit?" "Hi, I'm incredibly rich." "Hey, I know you! You were Miss Ohio last year, weren't you?" "Wow, I like your jeans. Did you design them yourself?" "Gee, you look like my sister" "Isn't my father your tax attorney?" "I only have a month to live, and I feel like I've never really lived before. My appendix is about to burst, would you drive me to the hospital?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 03:47 PM                        Rated G Alarm Clock: A small mechanical device used to wake up people who don't have children.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 03:54 PM                        Rated G Advert seen in a British newspaper. Dog free to a good home. Eats anything, loves children.  |  IP: Logged

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