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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2006 12:12 PM                        Rated G Bruce Even the worst four-letter words are boring and predictable when used as an insult. Don't be a lazy linguist. Brush up on your Shakespeare! Thou damned tripe-visaged rascal! How now, wool-sack, what mutter you? I never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire! You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe! Thou art a very ragged wart! Viperous worm that gnaws the bowels! Pernicious bloodsucker of sleeping men! You are all recreants and dastards! A pox of wrinkles! I could brain him with his lady's fan! You mad mustachio purple-hued maltworm!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2006 12:19 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Dr. Lee Berk of the Loma Linda School of Public Health in California discovered that laughing increases the body's antibodies and T cells, which help fight off infection and alien bacteria. Dr. William Fry of Standord University says that laughing 200 times will burn up the same amount of calories as ten minutes on a rowing machine. Does that make Dumb and Dumber a workout video?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2006 12:25 PM                        Rated G Two drunks wandered into a zoo and as they staggered past a lion's cage, the king of beasts let out a terrific roar. "C'mon, let's get out of here," said the first drunk. "You go ahead if you want to," replied his more inebriated cohort. "I'm gonna stay for the movie!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 07:14 AM                        Rated G B.B. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 07:22 AM                        Rated G B.B. What Do You Get When You Cross... A fawn with a hornet? Bambee. A policeman with a telegram? Copper wire. A canary with a mole? A miner bird. A pig with a cactus? A porkerpine. A cat with a lemon? A sourpuss. A banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip... A spider with a rabbit? A hare net. A ham with a karate expert? Pork chops. An owl with a goat? A hootenanny. An Indian with a cow? Geronimoo. A tiger with a needle? Pin stripes. A termite with a house? An exterminator. A dove with a high chair? A stool pigeon. A tree with a baseball player? Babe Root. A parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie. A rabbit with a kilt? Hopscotch. A dog with a daisy? A collie-flower. A hummingbird with a doorbell? A humdinger. A movie with a swimming pool? A dive-in theater. A dog with a chicken? A hen that lays pooched eggs. A kangaroo with a sheep? A wooly jumper. A gorilla and a sheep? A very nice wool coat, except the sleeves are too long.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 11:22 AM                        Rated G "Always look out for number one--and be careful not to stop in number two." ~Rodney Dangerfield~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 09:29 AM                        Rated G "The Grammy's were tonight. With all the stars and talent they were still able to pull off a dull show." --Dave Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 09:31 AM                        Rated G "American Idol actually did better in the ratings than the Grammy's. So people would rather see regular people do a bad job of singing than famous people do a good job of lip syncing." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 09:53 AM                        Rated G MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS 101 ??? Since the black keys on a piano are the hardest to learn if you painted them white would it be easier to learn how to play the piano? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Was the piano invented just so the musician would have a place to put his beer? Do you get an A flat minor if you drop a piano down a mineshaft? Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? (Drool catcher) Is it true that the difference between a guitar player and a mutual fund is that when a mutual fund matures IT starts making money? Why do they call the item used to play a violin or fiddle a 'Bow' when it obviously doesn't even resemble one? Do people who play the washboard think of it as playing an acoustic washing machine? Why is a mute called a mute when you can still hear the music? Why aren't there marching bands with kazoos and accordions? If you buy a set of drums, will there be repercussions? Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with? How come you always hear about organ donors but there's nary a mention of piano donors? What did bagpipers play before that guy wrote "Amazing Grace"? If someone has a musical instrument, and noise comes out, does that make them a musician? Can you fiddle with a violin? ~ Old John Boy~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 09:58 AM                        Rated G "It was on this day in 1690 the first paper money in America was issued, which of course then led to the creation of the Republican Party. It was also on this day in 1913 that Congress was granted the right to levy taxes on your income, which, of course, led to the creation of the Democratic Party." - Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 09:59 AM                        Rated G Valentines Day in Years Past Jack Benny [Benjamin Kubelski] was born on Feb 14, 1894 in Waukegan IL. Jimmy Hoffa, the Teamsters leader who disappeared, in 1975 was born on Feb.14, 1913. Arizona became the 48th state on Feb 14, 1912. Thomas Watson founded IBM CORPORATION on Feb 14, 1924.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 10:01 AM                        Rated G Spaz Thinking outside the box The task is not to see what no one else has seen before, but to think thoughts, no one has thought before, about things everyone sees.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 10:09 AM                        Rated G B.B. A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. ~ William A. Ward  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 09:38 AM                        Rated G B.B. I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam. They were all trick questions.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 09:48 AM                        Rated G Maggie There are two ways of being rich. One is to have all you want and the other is to be satisfied with what you have.  |  IP: Logged

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