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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 09:53 AM                        Rated G Betsy Sign in a bakery window; "Because of inflation the name of pumpernickel bread has been changed to pumperdime."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 10:05 AM                        Rated G The reason "Dieting Makes You Fat!" is because it takes a whole pound of Godivas and a quart of milk to wash the taste of a single Slim-Fast drink out of your mouth.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 10:12 AM                        Rated G B.B. "If You Love Someone" Pessimist: If you love someone, Set her free ... if she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, as expected, she never was. Optimist: If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back. Suspicious: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why. Impatient: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back soon forget her. Patient: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ... Playful: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat Animal-Rights Activist: If you love someone, Set her free ... In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!! Lawyers: If you love someone, Set her free ... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a- 1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that... Bill Gates: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade. Statisticians: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway. Schwarzenegger's fans: If you love someone, Set her free ... SHE'LL BE BACK! Over possessive person: If you love someone don't set her free. Psychologist: If you love someone set her free. If she comes back her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy. Finance expert: If you love someone set her free. If she comes back its time to look at fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad. Marketing Expert: If you love someone set her free. If she comes back that's brand loyalty.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 10:19 AM                        Rated G Chris George Carlin's Views on Aging Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.! "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you ! HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them " 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our e! ntire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 03:23 PM                        Rated G "I'm on that new Japanese diet." "How does it work?" "You're only allowed to use one chopstick."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 03:35 PM                        Rated G B.B. Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 03:37 PM                        Rated G B.B. THIS TOWN IS SO SMALL... The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell. Main Street - one block long - dead ends in both directions. McDonalds only has one Golden Arch. The phone book has only one page. The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2. The New Year's baby was born in October. The ZIP code is a fraction. The city limits signs are both on the same post. Second Street is in the next town over. There's no place to go that you shouldn't. A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes. The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 03:39 PM                        Rated G B.B. Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why the genitalia on it was so large!" Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out," ...and cold,too!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 08:58 AM                        Rated G Betsy If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 09:05 AM                        Rated G B.B. Federal Express had a terrific obstacle to overcome: They had to convince people that anything with the word "Federal" in it could be speedy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 09:07 AM                        Rated G Gerry Wouldn't it be great if the fellow who states, "I'm not used to making a speech," would leave it at that instead of going on to prove it?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 09:10 AM                        Rated G Bruce Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature. "How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked. "Still employed," he answered.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 09:25 AM                        Rated G Gerry How many parents who spend thousands of dollars on their son's college education get only a quarterback for their trouble?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 12:20 PM                        Rated G Ken Little kids in a supermarket buy cereal the way men buy lingerie. They get stuff they have no interest in just to get the prize inside.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 01:00 PM                        Rated G SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car. When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something. It scares you to drive the speed limit. The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish. You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep. You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield. Your turn signal has been on since 2003. Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower. When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.  |  IP: Logged

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