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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 01:17 PM                        Rated G "Some Great Malapropisms..." "I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder." "You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!" "I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...." "I used to be as sharp as a button." "That way I can kill two bricks with one stone." "If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave." "You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 01:22 PM                        Rated PG The Late Show with J. Letterman Carson!! We got a wild crowd tonight. You sound like you might be upset over some cartoons. Actually, we have a guest cartoonist from Denmark on our show tonight and...where's everybody going? Are you watching the Olympics? Nobody? First Michelle Kwan withdrew from the figure-skating competition and now Dick Cheney has withdrawn from the shooting competition. You're the first to know. He didn't bother with the press. I was watching some replays on NBC and..you know.. starting to really get into the slow-motion action when I heard the announcer mention something about the snow here in Utah. How old are these replays? Did you hear the Saddam tapes? Those from the '90's? Apparently he was once accidentally shot by Dick Cheney and slapped by Tony Blair for not doing his homework. And that cackling in the background..Chemical Ali! Did you hear that Lou Ferrigno, the Hulk, is now a police officer in Los Angeles? He's promised to try and control his temper but only if people will leave off that old joke about him eating Bill Bixby. Biggest surprise at the Winter Olympics? I think it has to be Ted Williams winning the Luge without a sled. Goodnight Ladies and gentleman.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 01:40 PM                        Rated G Actual headlines....... Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth Woman Improving After Fatal Crash Deer Kill 17,328 New Vaccine may Contain Rabies Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free - Just send $6.00  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 01:43 PM                        Rated G ~ Quick Quotes ~ Save a cow - eat a vegetarian. "I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." ---Douglas Adams "According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno "Today is the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie. I can't help but think that, in a thousand years when they dig up this civilization, all they're going to find are Twinkies and free CDs from AOL." --Jimmy Kimmel  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 08:56 AM                        Rated G "Mismatched Couple Descriptions" 1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck. 2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder. 3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense. 4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air. 5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow. 6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 01:02 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Did you know that by simply telling a joke you are exercising 72 different muscles in your neck, throat, mouth, and tongue? Laughing uses over 100 muscles. No wonder some people say they "laughed 'till they hurt." They just had a workout without even realizing it!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 01:13 PM                        Rated G Chris Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Thanks a lot!" she sulked. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 01:14 PM                        Rated G Betsy Now they have a jigsaw puzzle for people you don't like. None of the pieces fit and the four corners are missing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 01:23 PM                        Rated G Diana Mobiles phones are the only subject on which men boast who's got the smallest.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 01:26 PM                        Rated G B.B. A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 01:36 PM                        Rated G B.B. Our dog, Brandy, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal. For three mornings in a row he found nothing amiss. Then the dog woke up the neighborhood again at 3 a.m. with frantic barking. When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Brandy. Larry hurried outside and confronted the culprit. Crouching on the other side of the fence was our very quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrong doing. My husband demanded to know what he was doing. "My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "She said If she loses her beauty sleep one more night, she says she'll leave."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 12:07 PM                        Rated G B.B. People are like trees. Some are destined to be pillars, others are destined to be toilet paper.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 12:10 PM                        Rated G B.B. There's a new remedy on the market for baldness. It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 12:11 PM                        Rated G B.B. If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. . . My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it . . . almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter--either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 12:23 PM                        Rated G The Late Show With J. Letterman Carson!! Wow! You're a loud group tonight. Are your feet cold? It's a cold day. (How cold is it?) It was so cold in Manhattan today, I saw a squirrel in Central Park trying to thaw out it's nuts. (Groan) It was so cold this morning that NBC News showed a bunch of bums at Washington Square warming their hands over a well-digger's ass. Today is Lincoln's birthday. In recognition, Dick Cheney went to a theatre and fired off a few rounds. Did you celebrate? We did in college. We celebrated Millard Fillmore's birthday too, come to think about it. In fact, we celebrated every president and vice-president and their lobbyist's birthday. We have a lady on our show tonight that can whistle through her feet. Wonderful. She can also do duck calls with her armpits but we're afraid the VP might drop by so that's out. The new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is out. Sperm banks are asking for help as donations are way down. Did you see where Greenpeace gave Dick Cheney an award for missing that quail? Wayne Gretzsky finally admitted that he knew his wife had been betting on sports. He said he didn't really know how bad it was until she blew a thousand bucks on the lawyer being shot. She had Sheehan. 56-year-old George Foreman wants to get back into the ring. Did you hear about that? He announced today that his ring card girl will be Janet Reno. I'm sorry, he announced that his first OPPONENT will be Janet Reno. Anyone going to New orleans for Mardi Gras? It will be toned down this year. Floats have been outlawed.  |  IP: Logged

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