my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 69)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  66  67  68  69  70  71  72  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-02-2006 11:49 AM                        Rated G Anonymous Author Nadine: They now say overeating is as unhealthy as smoking. Jill: Yes, but no one ever died from second hand obesity.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-02-2006 02:44 PM                        Rated G "Gravity cannot be held responsible for two people falling in love." -- Albert Einstein  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-02-2006 03:32 PM                        Rated G How do these people survive? Recently,when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets **** I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart wi th just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.After the girl had scanned all of my items,she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.Not finding the bar code she said to me,"Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. **** A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,so she was using the ATM "thingy." **** I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping be side her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." **** Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. **** My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" **** Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,the suspect confessed. **** A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency! Life is tough.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 08:50 AM                        Rated G "Today was the big final day of Mardi Gras. The drinking, the naked women, the partying all night. Or as Bode Miller called it, 'Olympic training.'" --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 08:55 AM                        Rated G Gerry While it may be bad to talk when your mouth is full, it's worse if your head is empty.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 09:17 AM                        Rated G "It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Everybody has Mardi Gras fever. I was watching the 'Today' show earlier today and Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about jambalaya." --David Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 09:48 AM                        Rated G Andrew Stand up to be seen; speak up to be heard; shut up to be appreciated.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2006 01:57 PM                        Rated G Lulu A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant. A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 08:06 AM                        Rated G Lorraine While walking along a road one night Greek philosopher Thales of Miletus, intently studying the stars, suddenly fell into an open well. Fortunately, a servant girl heard his desperate cries and came to his rescue. Having pulled him out, she noted that, such was his desire to understand what lay above his head, he had failed to observe what lay before his feet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 08:32 AM                        Rated G B.B. How do babies get their belly buttons? When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row. Then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with his finger and says, “You’re done...you’re done... you’re done...”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 04:31 PM                        Rated G Last month the UN was organizing a worldwide opinion poll They asked 1 question: "Would you please give your honest opinion about the sollution for the shortage of food in the rest of the world ?" The poll turned into a disaster because in Africa they didn't know what "food" was. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" was. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" was. In China they didn't know what "opinion" was. In the Middle East they didn't know what "sollution" was. In South America they didn't know what "please" was. In the USA they didn't know what "rest of the world" was...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 07:48 AM                        Rated G Lorraine When I was a reporter, I spent several years covering the police courts. One day I was walking down a hallway with an attorney, engrossed in a discussion on a point of law. When he opened a door and walked through, I followed, preoccupied with the matter we had been debating. Suddenly, he stopped. "Can I ask you something?" he asked. "Sure," I replied. "Do you really think you should be in the men's washroom?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 08:54 AM                        Rated G Spaz You're No Longer "Cool" When... You listen to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf-board. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group, not a corporation. You turn down free tickets to a concert because you have to work the next day. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your kid's new running shoes. When jogging is something you do to your memory. Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair. All the cars behind you flash their headlights.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 09:45 AM                        Rated G Spaz From the very moment we were born, we are dying. So why sweat the small stuff? Learn to accept things for face value and enjoy life. Cherish every moment as though it were your last because this is your last time you will see today.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 09:49 AM                        Rated PG-13 Wild Child New Version Of The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer. *** Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. *** Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  66  67  68  69  70  71  72  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.