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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-08-2006 01:02 PM                        Rated G... Boudreaux and Thibodeaux from Louisiana got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreck, Boudreaux asked Thibodeaux, "Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 01:29 PM                        Rated G A friend of mine never realized how beat-up his truck looked until the stormy night he ran out of gas and pulled over to the curb. A lady stopped her car and ran over--to ask if he had been injured in the accident.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 01:34 PM                        Rated G My husband, Daryl, a cabinetmaking instructor, is often teased by his supervisor about his ponytail. "What are you going to do if you ever get that thing caught in the circular drill press?" Daryl immediately replied, "Have a quick look around the room?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 02:12 PM                        Rated G "When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving." Steven Wright--  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 02:33 PM                        Rated G WORDS THAT REALLY SHOULD EXIST Ramdumbtious - Cross between being rowdy and not too bright. Randumb - A foot chase gone bad. Rawsome - The awesome health benefits of eating raw foods. Rawtarian - A person that eats only raw foods. Realicious - Really delicious. Recomember - Recall; retain in the mind. Refunable - Something you enjoyed so much you'd happily do it again. Re-mail - An e-mail that has probably already made the rounds once, but you think it is worth a second look. Rememberize - Remembering and memorizing. Repettyettyettyettyettyettitive - When you repeat something so much that you can't stop. Richpublican - A Republican candidate for office. Roomatism - Desk clerk malady. Rowdeo - A canoe paddling competition. Rundezvous - Running late for a meeting.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 08:27 AM                        Rated G Chris For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 08:33 AM                        Rated G Lorraine One day, the temperature was hovering around -20 degrees, I was in the supermarket when a gentleman with an unusual accent asked for directions to the produce department. As I tried to place the accent, I asked him how he liked the weather. "It's nice," he said. "Like back home." Then I asked him where home was. "Siberia," he replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 08:45 AM                        Rated G Lorraine If you're being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 09:22 AM                        Rated G Hot Mama I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for beetles?" I asked the clerk. "No," he replied. "It'll kill 'em." "Interns scare me. They're too young. How can you have con- fidence in a doctor who has his rubber gloves pinned to his sleeves?" --Joan Rivers "When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 09:35 AM                        Rated G Bruce "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." --- Homer Simpson  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 10:23 AM                        Rated G Chinese Switchboard: Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? Operator : Yes, you can speak to me. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sum Wan, and I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know U are someone and U want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 10:26 AM                        Rated Things to Say to Ruin a Date There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. I used to come here all the time with my ex. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 08:52 PM                        Rated G At the Land Titles Office, titles are arranged according to their legal description: the lot, block, town or city name and plan number. Some people wanting titles often just give us their address, which was the case in one letter we received from a lady. We wrote back asking her to give us a legal description. A few days later, we received her reply. "I am 24 years old, five foot five, blonde hair...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 09:02 PM                        Rated G Spaz Little Known Knights of the Round Table Sir Charge..............Royal mail order clerk Sir Lee.................Royal bureaucrat Sir Loin................Royal butcher Sir Mise................Royal detective Sir Mount...............Royal mountain climber Sir Plus................Royal supply officer Sir Press...............Royal censor Sir Prize...............Royal tactician Sir Render..............Royal tactician (retired) Sir Round...............Royal moat builder Sir Vey.................Royal surveyor Sir Vive................Royal adventurer Sir John................Royal doctor Sir Jerry...............Royal medical advisor Sir Osis................Royal brewmaster Sir Cumference..........Designer of the Round Table Sir Face-tension........The knight who could walk on water Sir Reptitious..........Used to sneak up to the other knights and say "BOO"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 07:10 AM                        Rated G Betsy A box of candy means friendship, a bunch of flowers means love, but a diamond means business.  |  IP: Logged

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