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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2007 02:05 PM                        Rated G Quirk "I hate saying "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride." I like to put it into perspective by thinking, "Always a pallbearer, never a corpse." - Laura Kightlinger  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2007 02:06 PM                        Rated G Lorraine On a bookstore display shelf, my seven-year-old son spotted a book on John F. Kennedy, with a picture showing him in the Oval Office. "I know him, he said." Surprised he recognized him, I added: "Yes, he was very important. He was President of the United States." "I know he was important," he agreed. "How did you know that?" I asked. "Because," he replied, "I saw him shake hands with Forrest Gump."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2007 02:10 PM                        Rated G Lorraine When my husband and I were at the airport seeing our daughter off, we met a co-worker of mine. She was leaving on vacation and had planned to leave her car at the airport, but the forecast was for extremely cold weather, and she was afraid it wouldn't start when she returned. I offered to drive her car to her home and put it in her garage. When I arrived at her street, I realized I didn't know which house was hers. But inspiration struck! I drove up and down the back lane pressing her garage-door opener until one door lifted.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2007 02:12 PM                        Rated G Marty A host realized too late he did not have enough alcohol to add to the punch. A guest saw he was upset and asked his wife why. She muttered, "Low spirits."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2007 02:15 PM                        Rated G Quirk "According to USA Today, Tom Cruise's wedding was in an Italian castle. Well that inspired Elizabeth Hurley to marry in a British castle, and inspired Eva Longoria to book her wedding in French castle. Meanwhile Kirstie Allie is getting married at White Castle." -Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2007 02:17 PM                        Rated G Lorraine It was dusk and we were edgy and tired after our first day of pulling our trailer when we encountered roadwork and a flagman. We were first in a long line of cars and were unsure which lane to drive in. We couldn't decipher the signals from the flagman: His light went up, down, across and back again. "What do you think he wants us to do?" my husband moaned. We proceeded cautiously and finally drew abreast of the flagman who, we realized, was frantically warding off mosquitoes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2007 11:24 AM                        Rated G the little woman Two men were stranded on a desert island. One was very worried, while the other seemed to have no cares. "How can you be so happy?" asked the worried man. "We may never get off this island." "I make $100,000 a year," the other man said. "What does that have to do with us getting out of here?" asked the worried man. "I tithe," said the other. "My pastor will surely be coming after me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2007 11:25 AM                        Rated G Bruce After our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it. It turned out he was a high school classmate of my husband's, a man named Love. He said to ask for him the next time we had any problems. The following year, when we needed service again, we requested Mr. Love. I took the day off from my job to be there. After he finished repairing our air conditioner, he left his work order behind. On it was written my name and the scheduling instructions: "Wants Love in the afternoon."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2007 12:13 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A friend of mine got lost on the way to the Bucks County Playhouse, a theater in a small Bensalem town. He stopped at a farmhouse, where a woman gave him excellent directions. A week later he went back to see another play, got lost again and stopped at the same house. When the woman came to the door, she exclaimed, "My heavens! You haven't found it yet?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2007 12:25 PM                        Rated G You Know You're In Trouble When... ...Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich. ...Your suggestion box starts ticking. ...Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3. ...The simple instructions enclosed aren't. ...People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary. ...You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together. ...The plumber floats by on your kitchen table. ...You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2007 12:27 PM                        Rated G Bruce Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2007 12:31 PM                        Rated PG sassy A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes." Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures $20.00'. "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money,inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewed on the end.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2007 04:38 PM                        Rated G Quirk "The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin." -Mark Twain  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2007 04:49 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A co-worker was looking the worse for wear following a blowout shindig the night before. "Are you feeling all right?" I asked. "I don't know," he answered slowly. "I think I'm suffering from post-partying depression."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2007 04:51 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" --Milton Berle  |  IP: Logged

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