my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 106)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  103  104  105  106  107  108  109  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2008 08:52 PM                        Rated G A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.' Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' (you're gonna love this) (its a real treat) (a masterpiece) (wait for it) The bank manager looks back at her and says... 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.' (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! Have a lovely Day  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2008 12:23 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Every saint has a past. Every sinner has a future! ~Barbara Johnson~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2008 12:26 PM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something. - Plato  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2008 12:28 PM                        Rated G Rani Andrew Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of Passage? His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him and leaves him alone. He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it. He cannot cry out for help to anyone. Once he survives the night, he is a MAN. He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own. The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him. Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could become a man! Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold. It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him. He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2008 12:30 PM                        Rated G B.B. A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2008 04:29 PM                        Rated G Rani Andrew Women! First they marry you for your money... then they divorce you for it!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2008 04:39 PM                        Rated G Elaine Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn't find a thing for her grandson. "Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked. "No, that's not it," she said. We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds. "This is perfect," she said beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 11:40 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this ugly, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 11:47 AM                        Rated G the little woman Handy Hints for Campers . . . *Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire. *When smoking a fish, never inhale. *Steer clear of parks named for landfills. *While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. *Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. *Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. *You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 11:53 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Resolutions Give up complaining...and focus on gratitude. Give up harsh judgments...think kind thoughts. Give up worry...trust divine providence. Give up discouragement...be full of hope. Give up bitterness...turn to forgiveness. Give up hatred...return good for evil. Give up anger...practice patience. Give up pettiness...put on maturity. Give up gloom...enjoy the beauty that is around you. Give up jealousy...pray for trust. Give up gossiping...control your tongue. Give up sin...turn to virtue. You can't direct the wind,but you can adjust your sail.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 12:00 PM                        Rated G B.B. A computer DOES save time at work. I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 12:12 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Twelve tenors and a baritone were climbing Mount Everest and they fell down into the crevasse. All of them managed to hang on to the rope, but it was clear that the rope couldn't hold them all. They decided one man would have to let go. The baritone said, "Okay, I'm only a baritone. There are so many baritones and so few tenors. The music world cannot bear to lose you, so I'll sacrifice myself to save your lives." And the tenors all applauded and feel to their deaths.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 12:13 PM                        Rated G the little woman How many men does it take to wallpaper a room? Three...if you slice them real thin.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 12:17 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti I was at this banquet and my false teeth were hurting me, so the guy sitting next to me reaches into his pocket and pulls out some dentures, and says, "Try these." So I do. But they're too tight. He give me another set, he says, "Try these." I try them and they're fine. I wear them for the rest of the banquet, then I give them back. I say, "Thanks. Lucky for me I was sitting next to a dentist." He says, "No, I'm an undertaker."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 12:18 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Did you know that is 1553, the Norwegians invented the toilet seat? Really? Yeah. Later, the Italians invented the hole in the middle of it.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  103  104  105  106  107  108  109  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.