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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-16-2008 07:42 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Actor Jokes
Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Five-- one to climb the ladder and the other four to say that should have been me!
A2: One to change it, and 99 to stand there and say 'I could have done it better.'
A3: Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
Q: How many assistant directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Depends on what it says in the script
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Doesn't the stage manager do that?
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's the light bulb's motivation?
Q: How many straight actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How does an actor screw in a light bulb?
A: He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.
Q: What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling?
A: An actor trying to change a light bulb.
Q: How do you get an actor off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the most dangerous thing in your average community theatre?
A: An actor with a power tool.
Q: What do directors do with dead actors?
A: Make them chorus members.
Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to act but doesn't.
Q: How do actors traditionally greet one another?
A: "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm better than you."
Q: How many actors does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: Only three, if you slice them very thin.
Q: A van with four actors in it goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
A: You can fit a lot more than four actors in a van.
Q: What's the difference between a dead actor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: You're driving down a road and see your director and an actor crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first, and why?
A: Your director--business before pleasure.
Q: How can you tell when a plane is full of actors?
A: When the engine stops, the whining continues.
Q: What do you call 20 actors at the bottom of a lake?
A: A good start.
Q: What do you call an actor with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share a spotlight.
That's All Folks
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-20-2008 10:35 AM
Rated G
Your Daily Moment of Zen
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart, or your stomach growls in church.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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