|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-17-2008 01:47 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Jokester
Lately my friend has been daydreaming about having another baby. She has all these infantasies.
My roof leaks due to a lack of good ceiling.
Money does not talk. It just goes without saying.
The school coach worked with his star pitcher on the learning curve.
A thief who stole cutlery without leaving a clue was called the "stainless stealer."
Did you hear about the wife who had plastic surgery? Her husband cut up her credit cards.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
The building contractor needed the money from a castle remodeling job to buy his new television set. It would be impossible for him to watch TV without a re-moat.
I heard of a Pastor who had a special drawer where he filed his bills. It was labeled "Due unto others."
She couldn't help throwing up at funerals. She was suffering from Mourning Sickness!
Is it really San Andreas' fault that California has so many earthquakes?
A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and how about one for the road."
Victoria's Secret is launching a new line of a wide variety of Freudian slips.
Auto body-shop sign: "We come highly wreck-a-mended"
Note from the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?
They loved in vein.
"Oh, look!" I said. "A crocodile." "No," my friend corrected me. "It's walking between those two buildings--it's obviously an alleygator."
I refuse to visit Marx's tomb because it's all just a communist plot.
Stable relationships are for horses
There was an English teacher who kept her class spell bound.
Some daze I just can't seem to focus.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Old politicians never die, they just get devoted.
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking
The roundest knight at king Arthur's table was Sir Cumference
A boy who looked like his father the sculptor was a chip off the old block
The jockey thought he was so clever feeding marijana to his steed to enhance it's performance. Well, now he's busted, and it's time for him to get off his high horse.
Grocery clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.
"Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner."
Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
The man who worked in the gum factory fell in a vat of bubblegum? His boss had to chew him out. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-17-2008 01:55 PM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think
you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-17-2008 02:15 PM
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
Subject: Fwd: Sad truth! FYI!!!!
The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate check. If we spend it at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline, the money will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan?
However, none of it will help the American economy!
The only way to keep the money here at home is to spend it on
prostitutes, weed, beer and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA .
Thank you for your help, pass this one, and please support the US..."A man can't ride your back unless it's bent."
~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-17-2008 03:02 PM
Rated PG Jokester
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects--
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car................... +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb... +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am just as the truck pulls away.................................. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.... +1
You leave dishes in the sink......................... -1
You leave them under the bed........................ -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings......................................... +5
But return with beer............................ -5
You leave the toilet seat up.................. -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...... -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to
the next bathroom................................. -2
You make the bed................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night........................ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................ 0
check out a suspicious noise and it's something........ +5
You pummel it with a six iron.......................... +10
It's her father.................................... -10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party.............. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy............................ - 2
Named Tiffany..................................... -4
Tiffany is a dancer............................... -6
Tiffany has implants.............................. -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump........................... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you"............................ +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"........................................... -6
That woman is her sister...................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it............. 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted................................. -18
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
You unclog a stopped-up toilet..................... +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.............. +7
You get rid of a dead rodent...................... +8
remove the collie from the thresher............... +12
You take her mother to see Cats.................. +16
Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together....................... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entran ce, then park the car................................. +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar.......................................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.. +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional. 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............ +3
Most of it chips and beer......................... -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den... +15
Or refinishing the floors........................... +16
Or rewiring the basement............................ +17
Or adding a second floor........................... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6
And you're tickled pink about it.................... -15
You visit her parents............................................ +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation.. +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television. -3
And the television is off.......................... -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
underwear...................................... -6
And you didn't even go to college................ -10
And it's not your underwear..................... -15
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner.................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar............................. -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...................... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team............. -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player. +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing.............................................. +4
And you stink...................................... +2
And you're not half bad................................ +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause.................................. -2
You give her a gift................................... 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance..... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.......... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.. +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day.. -10
With her credit card..................................... -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big.............-40
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely................... -10
You forget your anniversary..........................-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station........ -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...................... -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast........ -50
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal................................. -5
And the pal is happily married..................... -4
And he drives a Trans Am.......................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..... -15
You have a few beers...............................-9
And miss curfew by an hour....................... -12
You get home at 3 am............................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars -30
And not wearing any pants............................. -40
Is that a tattoo???...................................-200
Her Night Out
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends............................................. +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home
late.............................................+10
You wait up................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom............. +25
Which you clean up................................... +35
A Night At Home
You watch TV together................................ 0
You rent a movie..................................... +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY........ +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout. +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep........ -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool. -2
A Night Out
You take her to a movie.............................. +2
You take her to a movie she likes.....................+4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon+6
You take her to a movie you like................... -2
It's called DeathCop 3............................. -7
Which features cyborgs having sex................. -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs..........................................-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it.+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself. +10
And she contracts Lyme disease.......................... -25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...................-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.................................... -5
Grooming
You trim your nails............................... +5
You trim your nails in the living room............ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat.... -15
You shave on the weekends........................ +2
You don't shave on the weekends................. -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either.......... -8
But then, neither does she....................... +8
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical... -5
Something she can't use.............................. -10
Such as a motorized model airplane.....................-20
And your kid needs braces............................. -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.............-120
Driving
You lose the directions on a trip........................ -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost........... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town............ -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal........................................... -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt...... -60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?".......................... -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate responding............................ -10
You reply, "Where?".................................-25
(A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble something like, "I Love You, honey...")
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-18-2008 10:47 AM
Rated G Jokester
A fat lady rode the bus to work every day but this day she had an unusually large build-up of gas. She wasn't sure what to do as the bus was quite crowded. Then she remembered that the bus would soon cross some railroad tracks that make it rattle and makes lots of noise. Maybe she can pass this gas without anyone knowing.
Unfortunately, last night the maintenance crew tightened all the loose bolts, smoothing out the crossing. At the tracks, she raised up on one cheek and let rip a long, loud, juicy one. But today the bus made not a sound -- just her. You could have heard a pin drop. "Maybe if I act natural, no one will figure out it was me," she thought.
She casually asked the man sitting across the aisle from her, "Excuse me, sir. Do you have a transfer?" He responded politely, "No, I don't, but the next tree we pass, I'll try to grab you a handful of leaves!"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-18-2008 10:51 AM
Rated PG Jokester
Look at all the pretty lights on the buildings! Millions of colors! Don't waste your time looking at traffic lights; they only come in 3 colors.
Also, don't waste your time looking at the road. There's much more interesting things elsewhere. It's everyone else's job to look out for you.
Whatever you do, don't tap that accelerator. Keeping traffic slow is your gift to your hosts.
It is imperative that you turn onto the road as soon as possible regardless of who you have to cut off to do so. However, once on the road, there is no real hurry. Take your time. That guy you cut off will be happy to slow down.
The "fast lane." Ever wonder why it's called that? Me either.
If you drive a Winnebago, be sure to only drive on single lane highways with extensive no passing zones. If people can pass you and keep traffic flowing, it defeats the whole purpose of driving a Winnebago!
Whatever you do, don't look in your mirrors! Traffic might be piling up behind you and you wouldn't want that on your conscience!
Be sure to always slow down to a near stop to look at the twisted vehicles and bloody puddles of the innocent locals who have had "encounters" with driving tourists.
If you are pulled over, be sure to toss clichés and lame jokes about the mob, prostitution, or the weather to the cop. He's never heard that one before. Trust me.
And remember, when you are lost, do not stop to find out where you are. Simply slow to 1/3 of the speed limit and weave in and out of lanes haphazardly. This always gets you where you want to be.
Always be talking on a cell phone. Your techno-savvy impresses the locals and they will stare in worshipful awe as you run stop lights and narrowly miss pedestrians.
Stop signs don't really mean "stop." They mean "slow down just a tad and if you are feeling generous, perhaps glance to the side to make sure that guy you were supposed to yield to isn't going to hit you."
Feel free to stop in the middle of the road to take photos. The locals will be touched at how sentimental you are about their home.
Remember, you are on vacation so school speed zones don't apply to you.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-18-2008 12:02 PM
Rated PG
WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government
official,'You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued,'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong? '
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it,
no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Jokester
Printer-friendly view of this topic