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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-08-2008 03:17 PM
Rated G Lorraine
IT'S YOU I LIKE! (Frederick 'McFeely' Rogers)
It's you I like, It's not the things you wear. It's not the way you do your hair, But it's you I like. The way you are right now The way down deep inside you Not the things that hide you Not your diplomas... They're just beside you. But it's you I like, Every part of you, Your skin, your eyes, your feelings, Whether old or new. I hope that you'll remember Even when you're feeling blue, That it's you I like, It's you yourself, it's you It's you I like! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
(Mr. Fred Rogers (1928-2003) was the host of the internationally acclaimed and highly successful children's television show 'Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, in production from 1968 to 2001.)
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 07-09-2008 06:29 PM
Rated G.....
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-10-2008 05:10 PM
Rated G This Year's Stella Awards
Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For
those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's
in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You
remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would
ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish
lawsuits and verdicts in the US . You know, the kinds
of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your
head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE :
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded
$80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running
toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE :
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won
$74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently
didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's
hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE :
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was
leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the
garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter
the house because the door connecting the garage to
the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced
to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental
Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must
pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
4TH PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered
4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500
plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt
by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked
at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr. Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE :
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a
jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her
$113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and
broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on
the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever
happened to people being responsible for their own
actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are
only two more Stellas to go...
2ND PLACE :
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of
a night club in a nearby city because she fell from
the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two
front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club
had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner
was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma ,
who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
her first trip home, from an OU football game, having
driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control
at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to
the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the
driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually
changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just
in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...? Ya Think??!!
More than a few of our judge's elevators don't go to the top floor either!
WHAT'S EVEN SCARIER - THESE JURORS AND JUDGES MAY VOTE ON ELECTION DAY!!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-17-2008 07:54 AM
Rated G Lorraine
Because it was a hot day, my sister-in-law, Lydia, left her car engine running, with the air conditioner on to keep her dog cool, while she ran into the bank.
When she returned, she pressed the remote to unlock the car door. It didn’t work. She hurried into a drugstore and replaced the batteries in the remote.
Still the doors wouldn’t unlock.
Lydia ran back into the bank, hoping she could use their phone, and explained her predicament to a staff member. "Oh, I’ve had that happen to me," the teller said. "I just use the key."
Only then did Lydia remember the key dangling from the end of her remote. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 07-18-2008 05:16 PM
Rated PG...
A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on a plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, a cowboy hat and pointed toed boots.
Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.
'You know,' he says, 'I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk.'
The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, 'Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What'd ya like to discuss?'
'Oh, I don't know, 'says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, 'How about nuclear proliferation?'
'Hmm,' says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him, 'That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first -- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff---grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?'
Dumbfounded, the young man replies, 'I haven't the slightest idea.'
'So tell me then,' says the cowboy with a smile, 'How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know shit?'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-19-2008 09:56 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from Denver to Los Angeles.
The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said.
"Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone hates everyone else."
"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city, anywhere in America."
"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-27-2008 06:38 AM
Rated PG-13 Jokester
Custer's Last Thoughts
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those fucking Indians!'"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-28-2008 07:08 AM
Rated G Jokester
Some Helpful Rules for Better Writing:
Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
Be more or less specific.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
No sentence fragments.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
One should NEVER generalize.
Don't use no double negatives.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be ignored.
Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
The English Language!
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is "boxes",
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not "oxes".
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say "methren".
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-30-2008 07:34 AM
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
The Moped
An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!'
states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks,
'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window
and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes,
so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot
in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be
and suddenly...WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks
himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator
and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari,
he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph.
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his
mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out,
and there's nothing he can do !
Suddenly, the Moped plows
into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably,
the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
'I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-04-2008 06:45 AM
Rated G Jokester
Phrases Useful in the Workplace. Try to incorporate these into your conversations . . .
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
What am I - flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. I'm just ignoring you.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of calories to burn off.
Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people realize I'm right.
Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Ahhh...I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again...
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
Are you a ray of sunshine every day?
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-06-2008 06:22 AM
Rated R
Getting Old In Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
**********************************************************
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
**********************************************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful,'' Morris replied.
To which the doctor replied, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'
**********************************************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 08-06-2008 05:30 PM
A few Southern funnies rated PG....
Tennessee:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Texas:
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Louisiana:
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia:
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina:
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
And this from South Carolina:
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North !!!
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